philmayfield

I have subsequently discovered that eating slugs can be fatal due to their diet whereas snails eat mainly veg and are safe. I don’t suppose Fernley-Whittingstall will be missed that much.

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall simmers his in tomato sauce. Look for yourself!

They're only escargot without the shell. The garlic butter disguises the taste anyway. They are a valuable source of protein and very chewy.

They sit in the village hall, of which she is treasurer of course, and knit, crochet, play rummikins and scrabble. They also pour over the entrails. Since the village shop closed it’s my only source of scandal and rumour. Not that I’m interested of course. When I first came here in 1962 it was like Peyton Place with an active wife swapping circle. I couldn’t join as I nothing to swap!

She should be here to cook it for me! I think I left it too long in the microwave. This curry is hot both ways so I’ve got time to type whilst it cools down. This is the second time I’ve been alone today. She’s been at the local witches’ coven all afternoon. I think I’m going to advertise for a carer!

I’ve got to manage with a takeaway curry from Southwell Co.Op tonight washed down with a very dry cider. My wife’s out at one of her innumerable committee meetings so it’s diy. Having achieved the reputation of a miserable old git I’m not invited to sit on committees anymore which is just how I like it! I’m finished with community service.

I still say that it's the calories in alcohol, which you don't realise you're consuming, are one of the biggest culprits for obesity. Many a time I see fat bastard walking out of Netherfield's Morrisons with a crate of lager on their shoulder.

A few weeks ago before I got rid of my sports car a guy came up beside me at the lights at the Burton Joyce end of the Colwick loop road. I could see from his rocking it on the clutch and his revs he wanted a race. I don't normally get involved in childish behaviour but I must have had a devil in me that day. I shoved the transmission into sports mode and as soon as the lights turned green I floored it. He was 200 yards behind me before he took off. Had to laugh but was chided by my wife for my infantile behaviour!

Whilst on the subject of cars, I've just washed mine. I was about to drive to the carwash in Newark as the closer one in Burton Joyce is now a building site. It's the first time I've washed a car myself in over two years and now I realise why it's worth paying the young, wiry, Eastern Europeans a few quid to do it for you!

Following up on Denshaw's comments about automatics being slower I would remind him that all F1 cars are automatics and with flappy paddles. Go on, give it a go - you know you really want one!

I don't think you will find that to be the case with modern autos. I really can't see the point in driving a manual car these days. They may be a little cheaper to buy but when you've driven an auto you will never want to go back to manual ever again. Try one. You'll love it!

I think flappy paddles for gear changing are a relatively recent innovation on mass market automatic cars although Ferrari’s have had them for many years. Pretty well all automatics have them now. Unless you want to put your car into ‘sport mode’ and drive like your backside’s on fire you may as well let the transmission take care of itself. They are useful for dropping down a gear on hill descents. My last car had a ‘launch control’ where you revved it and then floored it. A bit childish really. I only ever used it a couple of times to demonstrate to my scared passengers but I could see no pr

It was!

I thought you guys were high tech across the pond!

I presume your automatics have flappy paddles behind the steering wheels. You just change up or down with these. I’ve not had a manual on a normal car for years. My last manual was on my Lotus Elise 111S which, as a ‘proper’ sports-car, had to be manual. Autos are faster accelerating and more economical. Not that I drive for economy!

Eating less food is the sure fire way to go. I see a few fat bastards jogging but they're only fooling themselves. Exercise makes you fitter but eating makes you fatter (I've just coined that!) It's the 'hidden' calories in alcohol that makes you put on weight. Lay off the booze. I can confirm that it works. Having said that, you may be a Methodist minister, in which case I apologise!

My last used tractor tyre went on the bonfire. That was spectacular. They won’t take them at the tip and anyway it wouldn’t go in the car.

Yes I could scoot. That’s worth serious consideration!

I could indeed but it’s an off road electric bike so it would give me no excercise. Once our hay meadow’s been cut and baled I can get all the excitement I need on my quad bike - and nobody can prevent me!

The idea was to get some gentle exercise, not to tear around like a madman. They are illegal on the streets anyway and I wouldn't want to tarnish my hitherto unblemished record!

I detest all cyclists as they impede my car journeys. Now that I can't get my leg over my new electric bike I hate them even more!

I've got to confess, as a 'gadget man' I like all the bells and whistles too. I did see a Morgan parked outside my local as I drove past today and it did evoke a certain yearning though!

It’s the same over here but there are so many hoops to jump through before you can it’s not worth the hassle. Plus, of course, there’s the potential devaluation of the property for your heirs. We’re running out of burial spaces and cremation appears to be the preferred and cheaper option. We do have a natural ‘woodland’ burial site at nearby Oxton which has proved popular.

I do have reservations about electronic handbrakes. These require the action of servo motors to bring the brake pads on or off. It’s one of those gizmos that’s done just because it can be but it’s something that could fail and will be an expensive and complex repair and no doubt will fail after the car is out of warranty. Cars now are unnecessarily complex and are loaded with pointless gadgetry which we’ve managed without for years. Am I becoming a Luddite?

Thinking further about it I guess that’s why there is an on/off switch. It’s good to turn the engine off for a longer stop (unless you need the aircon.) but only a complete idiot would keep letting it stop/start in a slow moving traffic queue.