philmayfield

I remember talking to a Jewish acquaintance some years ago just before Christmas. 'I don't suppose you celebrate Christmas do you?' 'Well no not really', he said, 'But we do have a tree and presents and turkey - just for the children you understand!'

Likewise Alf Garnett. I did like him though!

Does anyone remember this guy? He used to write a lot of letters to the newspapers and was a regular contributor to the Dennis McCarthy ‘Afternoon Special’ with his banal comments. I thought he was long gone but he’s cropped up again today in the Newark Advertiser with a poem. I quote .......... Mrs May packed her things, Boris was waiting in the wings, Desperate to wear the Tory crown, With Latin jokes wearing a frown. Is it all illusional? Will someone write ‘Brexit the Musical?’ So he’s not dead! Do we have the next Poet Laureate?

In reply to Staverton Girl, we had a Scottish client in Perth where the company secretary used to go through the mail in the morning and steam off the unfranked stamps with a kettle on his desk.

On the basis that 'the old ones are always the best ones' ............ There was a rabbi and a catholic priest travelling in the same compartment on a train. They got into conversation and the priest said to the rabbi 'Have you ever eaten pork?' The rabbi replied that he was rather partial to a bacon sandwich on occasions. The rabbi asked the priest 'Have you ever been with a woman?' 'Well yes', he replied, 'there have been a few times when I have given in to that temptation'. 'It's a lot better than a bacon sandwich isn't it?' said the rabbi.

The only problem I came across was once when my accountancy firm were preparing the accounts of the Nottingham Hebrew Congregation on Shakespeare St. way back in the 60's. Our comp.op. girl had been shopping at lunchtime and came back with a Pork Farm's carrier bag. It was spotted and she was asked to leave it outside on the step for the afternoon!

At the risk of being called an ‘anti semite’ can someone please explain what it’s all about? Are the Jews a special case? Can’t I like or dislike anyone I choose? I’m totally confused. I don’t like eggs, I don’t like Swedish cooking, I’m not all that fond of the French and there’s some people down our lane I wouldn’t share the same room with. What a strange world this is!

You’re forgiven. Welcome back!

Meat and two veg man me - but you bloody southerners with yer fancy tastes!

That's the Italian restaurant round the corner isn't it?

Surprise you whilst in fraglante delicto!

I’m doing my bit to save the world. I’ve just ordered an electric bicycle!

I have a leaning towards 'War and Peace' and 'On the origin of the Species' sometime. I have read 'Moby Dick' but didn't realise there was an unexpurgated edition. It sounds a bit like a venereal disease doesn't it?

One of my neighbours has just finished reading the Bible from cover to cover. Not for religious reasons but as a challenge. I've often thought about it myself but as I live a pretty honest and blameless life I don't think there's much it could teach me!

Too right Barrie!

Yes, I’ll second that Loppy. The site has reverted to being a more pleasant institution recently!

‘Straight to Crem.” in my will. Nobody’s getting a ham tea out of me!

Boris Johnson came to our village on Saturday! I wasn't invited to the 'do'. I am now a social outcast!

We had hymns rammed down out throats at school for years. Whenever I go to a wedding or a funeral I know all the words without resorting to a hymn book. You can never shake off the religious indoctrination to which we were subjected.

I did it some years ago when I was taking my wife's Discovery to have a replacement windscreen. I inadvertently filled the diesel tank with petrol at the bottom of Carlton Hill but still drove it about three miles to the windscreen fitters. Is was only two days later when I collected it that I had starting problems. I had to call Landrover Rescue to tow it to the dealership about 200 yards away. The cleanup wasn't covered by the warranty and I think I had to pay around £300. I must admit it seemed to run much better afterwards!

I believe that ring mains were ‘invented’ back in more austere times as a cost saving measure for expensive copper cable rather than using individual spurs. Additionally the load on the cable is not always evenly distributed where there are appliances close together as in kitchens.

Hummus! Disgusting foreign muck!

If it’s from just one side of the bed to the other it’s hardly worth the hassle of putting in an extra point. Surely an extension cable will be largely hidden. Alternatively, for tidiness you could use mini, self adhesive trunking and clip the cable into that. Life’s too short for perfectionism!

I think the quickest and most efficient way would be to get your local tree surgeon to shift it with a stump grinder.

It wasn’t really an offer Margie - only if I lived closer to you!