Pixie

and this is why, i will forever hate drugs.

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My dad was homeless, he chose to be as he said he feels free and has no responsibilities. This was fine but what wasn't fine is he didn't want anyone to find him, he was ashamed of himself and never wanted his family to see him. Believe me, we tried so hard. We rang every hostel to leave messages, we tried salvation army's service.

On Thursday, I had a nice officer knock on my door. My father had passed away earlier in the week from organ failure - caused by a deep addiction to heroin and whatever else he shuved into his body.

Right now, I'm finding the grief hard to cope with. Every day I break down into tears, I blame myself for maybe not trying hard enough. And now the only time I can become close to him is when he is in a coffin because they said we cannot view his body.

I have came into contact with many who knew him and found he still had a huge heart by what I remember of him, all his hand outs were given to everyone else in the hostel he lived in. He used to give the staff goodies every week. He earnt his money for his addiction but first he allways bought his dog food. No one has a bad word to say about him, and that makes me the proudest daughter, knowing yes, he had his problems with drugs but never did he cause any harm to anyone.

In his final week he asked the nurses to find me, unfortunately they didn't manage to untill he passed which they didn't expect so quickly.

It is strange, before I knew he passed (he died the day of my friends funeral) I kept having these butterflies come into the house. I had to land on me and flutter around me for about 10 mins. My mum has also had butterflies somehow get into the house.

I apologize for the long post. I guess it helped me express my emotions and for someone to give me some comfort.

Thank you for reading.

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Pixie, I am so sorry for your loss, it is natural to think that you could have done more or that in your grief you feel responsible, but I have had to accept that you can only do so much for others and each of us has to live our own lives in the way that we are able with love and affection where we can both find and give.

Be assured that your love for him was reciprocated even if you found his life style troubling to you and hard to accept, but keep your love and pride in him close in your heart as you obviously were to him.

Our thoughts and prayers ARE with you.

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Really sorry to read that Pixie .

Absolutely dreadful news for one so young and its the reverse of what you tend to hear ,i.e. its usually a parent losing a son/daughter to drugs not the other way round .

My wife lost both her parents whilst she was in her 20s , through illness . She pushes the suffering they went through into the background and only tries to remember the good times and I hope you can do that too.

Despite his addictions he sounds like he had a good heart , just remember that .

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Dear Pixie

I have just read your post and it is so sad, I find it hard to put into words how proud your father would have been to have heard your words.The fact that he always gave to the people around him shows he had a kind heart.You have given him a wonderful eulogy Pixie.I know you can't see us but I hope you find some comfort in Knowing you and your sadness are in our thoughts.

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So sorry to hear about your Dad Pixie.

Although you never got to see him, know that he knows of your sorrow and love for him. Despite his addiction he was well thought of by those who knew him. And he did what he felt was best for you all under the circumstances.

I hope our support and thoughts will help you through these dark days.

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Thank you all for your kind words. Luckily he would visit me whenever he had money to as I grew up. Last time I saw him I was 14. He became so ashamed of how he looked, his choices and everything he had done.

I have found out today we shared the exact same interests, hobbies and music interests. Amazing how you never see someone for so long yet they are just like you. I got my art skills from him, he taught me how to draw from an early age, he would buy me all sorts and make sure he provided for me whenever he could. He wasn't a bad father and I could of had worse.

What I can't cope with is the loss of hope, because he lived in London it became harder to trace him, although his keyworker told me if someone doesn't want to be found it is next to impossible. I clung onto that shred of hope that one day we could be reunited. Now that hope is gone and that's what hurts the most, that and I keep thinking maybe if I had done more, racking my brain trying to think of how I could of done more etc.

He allways gave everything he had and was given to everyone else before himself, his money went on his dog before his addiction and he tried to help other homeless people with support if they just needed someone, with food and helped to teach others living in the hostel with him how to cook and about gardening.

I am so very proud of him.

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Kindness and Compassion can't be beaten and he had plenty of that Pixie, I have the feeling he passed those qualities on to you. Keep well Pixie and think of all the good things you have learned about your father, it will help you through your sadness.

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So sorry for your loss, Pixie, he sounded a very caring man, and has left you that legacy. When my mum died, it was March and very cold, but at my brother's house where I was staying, a butterfly kept flying into the window of the lounge where I was, as if it was trying to get in to see me, I reckon that was my mum.

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katyjay - you don't know how right you are!

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Pixie- So sad to hear of your loss, take strength from knowing that all who knew your father spoke well of him, he was obviously a proud man at heart who lost the battle against addiction, unfortunately many do. God Bless you & your family at this sad time

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Pixie, I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad under such circumstances.

I had tears in my eyes as I read this thread, I have had experience of victims suffering through the evils of Drugs!

I am sure your father would be very proud of you. Always remember the good time and not the bad.

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There are so many nice words from everyone who has contributed to this thread and I hope you can take them to your heart, Pixie. When people have addictions, whether it's drugs, alcohol or other, it takes over their lives and most of the addicts can't do anything about it, no matter how much they try. Paul Gascoigne, the footballer, is an example. It seems to me that your father always had you in his thoughts and his love for you in his heart. That's why, during his last week, he asked the nurses to find you. You say that everyone had good things to say about him and that you only have good memories of him so this would be something to always remember. When you sit alone and think of your dad you'll be thinking, 'If only I'd done this or done that'. The fact is, Pixie, there wouldn't have been anything you could have done. I'm pleased that you've let us know about your dad,Pixie, because I would imagine that most of the Nottstalgians had lost someone close to them and can empathize with you. When you're feeling down and thinking of your dad, come back to this thread and take comfort from all our comments. My thoughts are with you and your family at this sad time, Pixie.

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Deepest sympathy, Pixie.

If you could adopt his dog, you would still have that link: something he loved and cherished by the sound of it.

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So sorry to read of your loss Pixie, my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.

There is no easy way to get around grief,it is part of our emotional makeup,and we all deal with it as best we can.

It's always good to have a shoulder to cry on.

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Deepest sympathy, Pixie.

If you could adopt his dog, you would still have that link: something he loved and cherished by the sound of it.

I'm looking into this, talking to someone today about her behavior as iv been told she isn't trained, she's 6 years old, needs a firm hand and has never been around cats or children. I will never forgive myself if harm came to my daughter. But as this dog was his rock, his best friend. All he cared about was his dog and to give her a home and love her as much as he did would make me so happy. But dogs are a big enough commitment as it is without one with that sort of life style.

Thanks again for all your kind words. You have no idea just how it is helping me.

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Pixie, there's little more I can add to the comments left here by other Nottstalgians. It's so very sad that you tried unsuccessfully to locate your father but the important point here is that he cared for you even if he wasn't part of your life. Such a shame that he didn't meet your dear little girl too but you have your life ahead of you, enjoy being a good Mum and never forget your Dad who is at peace now.

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Like LizzieM, I cannot add to the comments, apart from saying I hope you find a good home for your fathers dog, and remember your dad how he was, and be proud of him, because he was your dad.

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It's been 2 months roughly since the loss of two great people in my life. And I'm still finding it agonisingly painful to deal with. I think of the good times especially with my best friend like people say to do, and it just makes me want her here all the more. It angers me that I have lost people who werent bad people yet bad people get the gift of living. It also hurts so much that I have no one to tell things to and all my questions remain unanswered.

What I need help with, is how long will I feel like this? Iv never grieved before. It's very new to me. Is it normal to feel this way? I feel as if my life is going great at the moment, Iv started to socialise more, Iv started to see one of my friends more and lately we have became close which is a big help to me as she's been there for me but she will never replace my good friend. Although I feel like I'm 'heading back on track' there are mornings and evenings where I break, and I just end up sobbing.

I'm sure someone on here can help me and tell me how to help myself or maybe from own experiences.

Thank you so much in advance and for everyones kind words and support so far on the thread. It means so much to me.

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We lost our eldest daughter 12 years ago in a car accident, she was 22 years old. After the shock of what had happened, I became angry, not at one thing in particular, just angry.

Our daughter had just started a new job,and moved into her new home, everything to live for, as you might say, never used booze or dope.

I knew people that had abused drugs and booze since being a teenager, and in their 50's still doing it. They seemed to stroll along without any problems in life,so I asked myself,"why does nothing happen to these people, like liver failure or an overdose".

My anger turned to a feeling of great sadness at such a waste of life.

Burying one of you children is not the way it is suppose to happen.My wife and I had each other to get through the worst days of our lives.

Today after 12 years I still live with the sadness of losing our daughter, and every day I ask the same question " why Rhonda".

Time is a great healer, but it still leaves a scar. I still weep for my little girl,I don't know the answer to your question, all I can say is go ahead and shed your tears,I'm sure it's all a part of how we grieve the loss of someone we love.

In time you will look back at the good times you shared with a sad smile.

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Pixie. So sorry to hear of your loss. Self guilt is natural when you lose someone very close and especially when you feel so helpless. Drugs are the most evil thing in this world. They affect all classes of society and are uncompromising. Yet there are agencies in this country who want them legalised. These people should see no live the effects they have on whole families, how they can split and destroy once happy unions. They are responsible for so much crime, young women selling their bodies for a fix.

In the 70s when we lived in Scotland, we had a friend, Margaret, who was injecting heroin. like your dad she was sweet, kind and generous. She had been brought up in a childrens home after her mum died. When her younger sister turned 16 she also came out of the home and went to live with her. Theresa was a very sweet young girl with ambitions to be a children's nurse. It wasn't to be. At 16 she died from an overdose of contaminated heroin. I remember her picture being on the front page of the Scottish Daily Record. A year later, Margaret got pregnant. Her baby was born addicted to heroin. I will never forget that. Forty years later My wife and I still feel guilty at being too young and naïve to be able to help. I always think that we should have at least seen what was coming to Theresa. I have never touched drugs in my life and the day Theresa died I declared war on them forever.

As my children grew up our house was always full of their friends. We always talked to them about the danger of drugs. I hope that they all took this advice with them.

Pixie, as your kids grow up, always show them how bad drugs are, even if you have to use their granddad as an example.

God bless you. Our thoughts are with you.

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Pixie, I lost both parents the same day over 20 years back now, Mum collapsed in the bathroom, her heart was very weak, Dad rushed into to help her, the effort have him a massive coronary, they were both dead on arrival at hospital.

I was expecting Mum to go anytime, as she was so ill, Dad, although he had a heart condition, I expected to last a few more years.

I found a message on the answering machine to call my Sister urgently..

It didn't "hit" me until the next day, no I'm still not over it many years later, I still miss them, the phone calls, the monthly letter etc...

We all deal with loss in our own way in in our own time, there's no short answer...

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Grief is a very personal thing. Our son was brain damaged at birth and was affected physically; not to a great extent but enough to make life difficult. He never did well at school but later went to college and after much hard work gained a B.Tech in Photography, but there again the problem was he could not hold a camera steady, he did though take some brilliant stills using a tripod. He persisted with his ambition and got himself a job in London associated with photography. Still he could not achieve his ambitions and other physical problems arose until in 2002 at the age of 35, he took his own life. My primary feelings were guilt, bitterness at a blundering hospital and thereafter, a numbness to tragedy which has never left me and never will. I was goaded into undertaking councelling which I consider a total waste of time. The memories and feelings never leave. Interestingly, I have a friend whose daughter also took her own life and his feelings match mine. Do women feel grief more? With no disrespect whatever implied to anyone, I know some who seem to revel in grief and make a vice out of it. Those who are on Facebook may know some examples themselves.

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Grief is actually a very private thing. no one can ever understand your own personal feelings, we all deal with it in our own way. Quite often, especially in your circumstances Tomlinson, grief and guilt go hand in hand.

My mum died ten years ago and I haven't let go yet. I never grieved properly and I think it is because I feel her presence everywhere I go.

My mum made me the person I am. I am generally cheerful and happy. I know it would be an insult to her memory to be morbid about it all.

It must be hard in your circumstances to put aside your own grief to help others deal with theirs.

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Wow, thank you all to those who gave their experiences. It's so touching to read others and my heart really does go out to you all. And after reading those, it seems some of you were/are in a much harder situation than myself.

I cannot bare people who relish in their grief, I understand about the facebook thing. I have only put one update recently after my loss, I try so hard not to talk about it and those who know my real feelings and emotions is my partner who's seen me sit and cry because something silly has set me off.

I have come to terms with the fact that the hurt will never leave me, and the one thing I can do in both their memories is get up and get on with life as I am trying so hard to do. I never used to leave the house all that much or see many people after becoming a mum but in recent weeks my life seems to of turned, I am seeing so many other people, two days of the week I'm guaranteed to be out doing something and Iv even bagged myself a little voluntary job one morning a week to help a play group I go to, just making tea's and food to cover for someone. I still believe one of those have put me on this path now to help me and it really is, I feel like a new person!

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