alisoncc 379 Posted August 19, 2013 Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 As many of you know, I don’t have a lot of free time, but I did manage to finish my new book. I decided to write about a passion of mine; Golf. As a preview, here’s the Table of Contents, full of valuable playing tips, insider information and winning strategies to improve your game.Table of Contents:Chapter 1- How to properly line up your Fourth putt.Chapter 2- How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.Chapter 3-How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.Chapter 4- How to get more distance off the shank.Chapter 5- When to give the Ranger the finger.Chapter 6- Using your shadow on the greens to confuse your opponent.Chapter 7- When to implement Handicap Management.Chapter 8- Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.Chapter 9- How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post ... Undetected.Chapter 10- How to rationalize a 6-hour round.Chapter 11- How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.Chapter 12- Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.Chapter 13- How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.Chapter 14- How to relax when you are hitting three off the tee.Chapter 15- When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.Chapter 16- God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.Chapter 17- When to regrip your Ball Retriever.Chapter 18- Use a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.Chapter 19- Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 tip, but will balk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.Hopefully you will find my book intriguing and purchase a copy.Please send on and hopefully more people will buy copies!!!Thank You! 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tomlinson 879 Posted August 19, 2013 Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 Sorry to say I'm no fan of golf but I am a fan of Mark Twain who described the sport as, 'A good walk spoiled' so I won't be buying your book. I don't suppose you've written anything on cricket? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mick2me 3,033 Posted August 19, 2013 Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 Alison Good luck with the book, Like Tomlinson I am not a fan of Golf, or any sport really. But its nice to see more talented Nottstalgia members Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Commo 1,292 Posted August 19, 2013 Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 Alison, love it! Although not a golfer myself, I know enough about it and those who play to recognise the need for such a treatise !! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Beachbum 68 Posted August 19, 2013 Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 I'm quite sure I will find this tome truly invaluable, I actually tried Chapters 1, 4, 8 and 9 this morning. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
StephenFord 866 Posted August 19, 2013 Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 ...and what was wrong with chapters 2 and 3 ? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ayupmeducks 1,730 Posted August 19, 2013 Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 Chapter 8 interests me, as when I first arrived in Wollongong in late 1979, I stayed with a feller and his family I knew and worked with in old Blighty... He told me after dinner we'd be going to the bowls club for a couple of cold 'uns.... Bowls club inferred lawn bowls and I never took Jerry for a bowling man, as he knew how to bend an elbow or two in the pubs of North Yorkshire when I knew him in the old country, and was even called "hollow legs". Anyway, that was Friday I arrived at his place, and he said Sunday we have a grudge match at Belambi Bowl Club, starts at 9-00am sharp so be ready he said... I fell out of bed early, sun was already up and starting to get hot, summer was just around the corner, it was early December. We arrived at the club, me kitted out in shorts tee shirt and "flip flops" Ozzies call them thongs!!! Jerry in regulation whites. We got sat down with the rest of his team, 9-00am came, and Jerry slipped a few bucks in my hand and asked me to get a round of cold beer in, errrrr it's bloody 9-00am in the morning, last nights beer was still fresh in my mind, stomach and head.... Now I knew why he'd taken up lawn bowls, plenty of early opening clubs......I moved into my own place after a couple of weeks, if I'd stayed at his house much longer, I'd have been a total piss pot, as they say down under.. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Radford Boy 26 Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 Reminds me of the golfer who said to his caddy after 2 holes "What do you think of my game?" Personally, replied the caddy, I prefer golf! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bazza 71 Posted November 6, 2013 Report Share Posted November 6, 2013 I just came across this thread.I'm laughing my little socks off.I think I can get all the tea out of the keyboard before it does too much damage. Baz 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
DJBrenton 738 Posted November 6, 2013 Report Share Posted November 6, 2013 A guy called Chris Ketz who ran a Footlocker store in Wisconsin added to this email when it first did the rounds Chapter 1: How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth PuttChapter 2: How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the TeeChapter 3: How to Avoid the Water When You Lie Eight in a BunkerChapter 4: How to Get More Distance Off the ShankChapter 5: When to Give the Ranger the FingerChapter 6: Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize EarningsChapter 7: Crying and How to Handle itChapter 8: Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10 a.m.Chapter 9: How to Rationalize a Six-Hour RoundChapter 10: How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the WaterChapter 11: Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th HoleChapter 12: How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your TwosomeChapter 13: How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the TeeChapter 14: When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your OpponentChapter 15: God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three-PuttChapter 16: When to Re-grip Your Ball RetrieverChapter 17: How To Blame Everything But Your Swing For Your Bad ScoreChapter 18: How To Play Five Different Betting Games To Make Sure You At Least Break EvenChapter 19: Why You Feel the Need To Tell the Group What You Did Wrong On That Last ShotChapter 20: How To Tick Off the Beer Chick With Crude Fun-filled JokesChapter 21: Why The Beer Chick Doesn't Think You're Hot But You Think She DoesChapter 22: Why You Should Keep Bitching About The Snowman You Had YesterdayChapter 23: Why Running Over An Opponents Ball is STILL FunnyChapter 24: Why Loosening Your Opponents' Bags On The Cart So They Fall Off is STILL FunnyChapter 25: How To Determine Exactly When Your Opponent Deserves A Good Head SlapChapter 26: Why Courses That Don't Offer Hot Dogs At the Turn Need To Be NapalmedChapter 27: How To Get The Perfect Echo From Your Screaming Swear WordsChapter 28: The Hidden Glory Of A Three-Putt ParChapter 29: How To Misread A Putt CorrectlyChapter 30: The Essence Of Talking To Yourself After Bad ShotsChapter 31: Why Farting In Your Opponent's Backswing is STILL FunnyChapter 32: Why Golfers Who Misquote "Caddyshack" Should Be MaimedChapter 33: How To Three-Putt From Five Feet With ClassChapter 34: The Benefits Of Not Giving A Shit After AwhileChapter 35: How To Save Triple-Bogey After Taking Three Out Of The TrapChapter 36: What's With All The Damn Mosquitoes?Chapter 37: How To Hold Your Beer Buzz When Your Swing Finds Its GrooveChapter 38: Take Years Off Your Life - The Fine Art Of Chili-DippingChapter 39: How To Hide The Droplets That Soak Through Your Pants After You Pee In The WoodsChapter 40: Why You Can't Hit A Green From 50 Yards But Think You Can Punch Through A 10-Inch Space Between Two TreesChapter 41: Newly Established Rules For The MulliganChapter 42: Detailed Breakdown Of Why You Suck So BadChapter 43: "FORE" And Other Optional PhrasesChapter 44: How To Make Double-Bogey After Slicing Two Fairways OverChapter 45: How To Swing Even Harder After Back-To-Back Triple-BogeysChapter 46: How To Apologize For Talking During An Opponent's Swing For The Umpteenth TimeChapter 47: Reasons Why It's The Club's Fault And How You Can Throw It FartherChapter 48: How To Properly Offer Rulings When You Don't Have A ClueChapter 49: How To Mess Up A Hole After A Perfect DriveChapter 50: Why You Own The Best Equipment Made Today And Aren't Any Better Than You Were 20 Years AgoChapter 51: How To Drill Your Putt Eight Feet Past The Hole And Then Complain About It Not BreakingChapter 52: How To Unsuccessfully Hold In Laughter When Your Opponent's Wheels Have Completely Fallen OffChapter 53: Flop Shots, Punch Fades, Hooded 3-Irons And Other Shots You Have No Right To TryChapter 54: How To Call Out A Sandbagger Without Calling Out YourselfChapter 55: How To Break 80 Without Ever Seeing A FairwayChapter 56: Why Bartenders Who Don't Have Hot Dogs Ready When You Make The Turn Deserve A Head SlapChapter 57: 10 Ideas How To Get All Those Frickin' Geese Off The FairwaysChapter 58: Why Spit Can Take Mud Off Your Club Or Ball But Can't Get Ketchup Out Of Your ShirtChapter 59: Why People Who Play Bingo-Bango-Bongo Should Stay In FloridaChapter 60: How To Forget Everything You Just Learned From A $50 Lesson Within Five MinutesChapter 61: Why Most Golfers Who Play The Blue Tees Should Be Playing The Red TeesChapter 62: How To Cordially Hit Into The Guy Ahead Of You While He Shows His Wife What She's Doing Wrong After Her Third WhiffChapter 63: How To Get Through The Rest Of The Round When You Have To Poop Really BadChapter 64: How To Blow Someone Off Who HAS To Tell You About Every Shot He Hit The Last Time He PlayedChapter 65: Why Watching A Left-Handed Golfer Is So Annoying To A Right-Handed GolferChapter 66: How To Try Out More Than A Dozen Putters Over A Summer And Still Not Realize You Just Can't PuttChapter 67: Why Jumping On A 9-Iron Is Better Than Choking Up On An 8-IronChapter 68: Why You Should Ask Someone "Where's The 150?" On Every HoleChapter 69: Why Other People's Golf Stories Just Aren't As Good As YoursChapter 70: Why You Should Always Yell "Get Up" Even Though You Very Well Know You're Shot Has No Chance Of Making It To The GreenChapter 71: Why You Should Always Yell "Sit Down" While Your Skulled Chip Screams Over The GreenChapter 72: How To Replay Your Round To Others, Taking Away All Your Bad Shots And Three Putts So You Can Justify Why You Should Have Shot A 72 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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