TRD 196 Posted November 5, 2015 Report Share Posted November 5, 2015 Random thoughts as we age: The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!Old age is coming at a really bad time!Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!I don't have grey hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes" .I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people" ?Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!And, of course... Have I posted this already 17 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 5, 2015 Report Share Posted November 5, 2015 TRD,you have cheered me up!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 5, 2015 Report Share Posted November 5, 2015 Layed up so feeling introspective, why do you need a cultural advisor for a soap opera,how does the bloke who drives the snow plough get to work,a fry tastes better than a grill,dislike folk who say missed a bit,why are ads recorded louder than TV shows,has Helen Mirren had ' work' done,bring back the best side in pubs,application forms don't have English down as a nationalnality, Ben Truman was lovely, as I get older my desire to live in the sun or on a bus grows,random enough? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bubblewrap 3,815 Posted November 5, 2015 Report Share Posted November 5, 2015 I never get lost but I do get slightly misplaced sometimes. Beer makes my clothes shrink. When god needs advice he rings my wife up(she says she'll help anybody) 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
OrphanAnnie 296 Posted November 6, 2015 Report Share Posted November 6, 2015 Why are traffic signs so rude - they never have 'please' at the end? Where exactly is the middle of nowhere, it must be very crowded as everyone seems to go there at some point, how do they know when they reach the edge? Why does no-one seem to be on the awful lot of buses that go to 'Not In Service', where is it anyway as it doesn't seem to be on a specific route? (perhaps it's in the middle of nowhere) 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
katyjay 5,091 Posted November 6, 2015 Report Share Posted November 6, 2015 There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipstick's. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here. I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?” I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class! Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. 8 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bubblewrap 3,815 Posted November 6, 2015 Report Share Posted November 6, 2015 Why is it always in the last place you looked? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
colly0410 1,181 Posted November 6, 2015 Report Share Posted November 6, 2015 If at first you don't succeed - then bu**er it.. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bubblewrap 3,815 Posted November 6, 2015 Report Share Posted November 6, 2015 I used to spend all my cash on sick animals I stopped though I just packed in going into the bookies. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Why when you've just bought a new door mat..it blows away?-why don't Rita in Corrie pack it in?- onions and bananas in the pedal bin?-wife likes walking,why do we have to park up against the till?-is mike yarwood still with us?-people always ring at meal times?-was it always beer & skittles?- I like random...oh yeah?..nutmeg? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
loppylugs 8,429 Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 I keep trying all these natural remedies to lower my blood pressure then I watch the news and its up again! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Compo 10,328 Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 In #5. Orphan Annie said: "Where exactly is the middle of nowhere, it must be very crowded as everyone seems to go there at some point, how do they know when they reach the edge?" Well, I can tell you where one of the edges is - Watten, where I live....right on the edge of nowhere! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MargieH 7,600 Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Ian, #10 Now those are seriously random thoughts! Nutmeg .....My mum always used to put grated nutmeg on top of home-made rice pudding - lovely. And why are 'Meg' 'Peg' and 'Peggy' abbreviated forms of Margaret? Compo, so do you see lots of people going past where you live, on their way to nowhere? And how do they know it's the right nowhere for them, there's a few 'edge of nowheres' here in the Fens Quote Link to post Share on other sites
OrphanAnnie 296 Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 #12 Do the buses say 'Not In Service' Compo?? If a piece of buttered toast always lands buttered side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, would a cat with a piece of buttered toast strapped to its back keep spinning forever if you threw it out of a window? 7 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MargieH 7,600 Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 That was really funny OA... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bubblewrap 3,815 Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Or you could take them off and collect later on. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bubblewrap 3,815 Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Damned proof readers 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bubblewrap 3,815 Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 For those with a defeatist attitude. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bubblewrap 3,815 Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 #14 If the slice of toast were big enough or the cat very small it would glide to safety using the toast as a wing Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bobby2jags 10 Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 why don't all the unemployed people who want a job really bad go to that place called jeopardy I've heard there's loads of jobs there. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bubblewrap 3,815 Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 And you get "double time" there too Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bubblewrap 3,815 Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Dog asks duck to fly him home. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cliff Ton 10,466 Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 There are quite a few pubs called The Dog and Duck. Now we know where the name comes from. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
loppylugs 8,429 Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Or you could take them off and collect later on. Don't even think about messing with my ears. Lol. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bubblewrap 3,815 Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 #22 Or dog should have gone to "Specsavers" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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