When they are gone

[Chulla 4,946]

I would imagine that there are some members who have experienced what is written about below. There will be those for whom, perhaps, the experience is yet to happen. I remember well when it happened to me, and I've been wanting to express the experience for a long time. It is not a very nice subject to write about, but it is one that touches our lives. The following, though triggered by my own experience, is neutral in that it could be anyone's mother - mothers are usually the last ones to go.

It happens to many of us, almost as inevitable as death, which, is the reason for it. When the last of our parents dies there is the first subsequent visit to the house. I am sure some of you will remember that day and how you felt as you entered the house and stood in the living-room and looked around. It wasn't the quietness I heard, it was the stillness I felt. The ears interpret the quietness but it is the mind that treats such stillness with reverence. This was the room that you remember so well, growing up with your siblings. You remember the everyday sounds - the wireless, later the TV, the crackle of the fire in the grate, a ticking clock maybe, a vacuum cleaner. Now, all of these sounds are just past memories, but it's not the quietness, it is the stillness.

Everything is as it was the day she bade farewell to life - a half-finished drink, her cigarettes and lighter and her woman's magazine that she loved to read. Time to go through the drawers for documents of importance, and items appear not seen since childhood, perhaps. Into the kitchen, a room that had cooked how many thousands of meals. Looking round, not much has changed over the years - a place for everything but now pans awaiting their rinse. Best turn of the gas at the main, and check the contents of the 'frig; take some with you, throw out the rest. No more the sounds off sizzling and bubbling boiling, and steamed-up windows. Just an unaccustomed quietness; and the stillness of total inactivity.

Up the stairs and into her bedroom, with its furniture bought at the time of her wedding. It has served her well and was worth every penny. It was in this room that her children were conceived. The dressing-table next the window, its large mirror no longer reflecting the image of its lady preparing for an evening out. In the drawers a collection of scent bottles and cream jars of brands that are rarely seen now. You tidy the bed-clothes - no need to but she would have wanted you to. Again, no sound, save for the odd car passing the house; but it is the stillness that pervades.

There must have been moments of stillness in the house in the past, but none like this, telling me that the longest era of your life has come to an end. And when the house has been cleared, then for the first time in our lives we are completely alone, and that stillness bides its time until nature's timetable recalls it one day for our own.

[DAVIDW 1,681]

Well written piece and very true .

Slightly different for me in that my parents moved away from Nottingham in the late 60s and went to live in posh Leamington Spa .

I stayed in Nottingham but visited Leamington on bank holidays and birthdays .

It wasn't the house I grew up in but had many happy memories mainly of our own young family .

I know what you mean though about the stillness when we visited the empty house after my mum died . The food she had bought the day she died was still on the table , ready to put in the fridge .

Dad was still alive but not able to look after himself .

We three children divided up what furniture and effects we wanted between us and the house clearers took the

rest .

I did video the empty house room by room but it's a sad viewing on what was once a vibrant warm house .

[PeverilPeril 3,279]

I want to say something Chulla, but I don't know what to say.

[benjamin1945 16,139]

Well,.........thats really warmed the 'Cockles of my heart'..............lol.

Cheered me up no end.

[Guest]

Dave,to add anything, would take from your post..thanks..Ian.

[terence12 725]

know how it feels Chulla, the last of my previous generation to die was my dad, after he passed away went around the house taking photos of every room, the garden the garage etc. took photos of favouite bits of furniture, often view them, like your post they bring a tear to the eye, i think the saddest thing about losing your parents is, They raise you from birth, with all your illnesses, problems, schooling, birthdays, weddings, holidays and so on, then having shared all of your life, they, after passing away, never know what happens to their children, most are by that time pensioners themselves so health problems as well as other problems occur and your parents never know, your time on the earth ends and they never know i know its a bit morbid but i think this is the saddest thing about life. i miss my mum & dad terribly, and i am over 70, well there you are.

[Michael Booth 7,364]

I'm not going to get into a debate about my post but some of us believe that life doesn't end with our death on Earth and that we may meet our loved ones again. I realise that many of you think it's a load of rubbish, and maybe it is, who knows?

[Bilbraborn 1,594]

As I mentioned before, I lost my dad two years ago and my mum in 2013. I found my dad on his stairlift. He'd made a pot of tea after coming in from the shops, gone upstairs to put on his pyjamas and never got to drink that tea. His sopping was on the hall table - he'd even remembered to buy his great grand-daughter a birthday card. He left the house to us and here we now live, where we all moved into in 1953 when I was just two years of age. I feel my parents presence in every room. I know they are keeping an eye on us.

[Bilbraborn 1,594]

It wouldn't be right for us to know what happens after death. We'll all find out one day.

[.... 23]

Dear Chulla

I am glad at least that you feel able to express yourself on this touching and emotional subject, you do that exceedingly well too in a beautifully written posting.

Personally, I lost both my parents whilst in my twenties. I recall the different emotions and feelings of the two passings. The first, my father, being an utter shock and with accompanying huge grief. When my mother died two years later there was a feeling of finality - like an era had passed - that I was now at the' top of the tree' in some way.

I recall a relative and I emptying the house where I had partly grown up. We visited a local recycing centre to take some things away that could not be kept and I remember the words of my relative, 'It's not much to show for all those years is it'. Those words brought about some perspective in my life since.

Those were the days. I have long been able to rather think of my mother's great kindness and gentleness, also her great courage and selflessness in the face of huge adversity. I carry Grace Marian with me always. I feel sure you will be able to to do similar.

Take care now.

[loppylugs 8,427]

That is a moving tribute, Chulla.

I will never have that experience as I had emigrated. After my dad died my mother re-married and went to live with her new husband and his family. He died and she continued to live with her step daughter until she died. So it was my step sister who had the empty house experience.

Closest I came was coming home from the funeral after my first wife had died. I actually did the graveside service. How, I will never know. Coming home to the stillness I can relate to.

I have not written this to somehow upstage your post. Simply to express some understanding and hopefully comforting thoughts that folks out here in internet land do understand and care.

[catfan 14,793]

I remember when my dad died I was seven years old When my mam died she was in hospital & remember being given her posessions in a black bin liner & to this day the thing I will almost remember is like you did Chulla, a half empty packet of Park Drive & her petrol cigerette lighter.

Funny how we remember certain things. I never ever went back to her old house.

[Guest]

Christmas and New Year make a little sad..bad times at both losses..might come back to this later,Ian.

[MargieH 7,599]

Thankyou to Chulla and all those who have shared their experiences on here.

My mum and dad came to live with us in 1981 when they were both about 80 years old - we had an annexe built on to our house. It was great having them both around and my mum felt the same.... dad wasn't as convinced that they'd done the right thing but he realised that it was the SENSIBLE thing to do. He was fiercely independent and always wanted to look at the bills as he'd always done. I think he felt his loss of complete independence more than my mum did - she was just happy to be around us and our children and she really was a great help to us in lots of ways - cooking, baking, walking the dog, local shopping and even a bit of weeding in our large garden.

In 1984, my dad died in his own bed in the early evening after having a chesty cough for a few days. Mum and I had been watching the Thornbirds on TV and we went to see if he fancied a cup of tea. Mum was very shocked to find him, as was I, but we did all the necessary things and after having a doctor round to sign a death certificate, we decided to let him stay there until morning before calling the undertaker. My mum slept in one of our spare rooms and I remember 'tucking her up' and thinking how frail and sad she looked. She also looked old - I'd never seen that before as she was such a sprightly little lady.

My mum continued to live a fairly active life with us until 1997, surviving a broken humerus, then a couple of years later, her femur and after that colon cancer which was successfully operated on. She died in 1997 aged 94 in her own bed, a week after having a stroke. She appeared to be improving after the stroke, and was visibly moved when she found out that our son and his wife were expecting their first child - I remember her patting my daughter in law's tummy. After that it seemed as though she was just ready to leave us and she died very peacefully the day after. I remember I spent the night before she died sitting on the floor by her bed wrapped in a duvet just holding her hand. My brother and I, and PauI were with her as she left this world and when she'd gone, I felt really alone as she'd always been my role model and friend. We remained in this particular house for another 14 years and continued to use the annexe, although the bedroom was put to a different use. When we left the house in 2011 to move 7 miles up the road to our present village, I felt as though I was leaving them behind - silly really - but it was quite a difficult thing to do.

So I never had the experience of visiting a quiet, still house although I always especially thought of them whenever I went in their old bedroom. I still miss my parents, especially my mum, and hope I will see them again one day. But that's in God's hands and I'm fine with that....

[benjamin1945 16,139]

I know i don't have to read all this,but it makes me feel sad,i joined to cheer me up when i was feeling low with an illness,and this just depresses me,obviously we all different and for those who feel different to me good luck.

NOSTALGA can make you laugh and cry,nowadays i just want to laugh and try and see the funny side of life,i respect others views.and don't detract from them,but just wondering wether this is for me anymore,not knocking the forum in any way,like to think ive made some good 'cyber friends'.

Probably just need to be more selective in what i read on here,hope this does'nt come across as a moan about the site,just a personal view.

[loppylugs 8,427]

Hey cheer up, Ben.

Sorry that some of the posts make you feel sad, but they are really only folks expressing their individual experiences of life and sometimes the inevitable grief that is a part of living.

I for one have always enjoyed your posts and banter. You have given me many a smile on days when I didn't feel much like smiling. Your refs to Fools and Horses was both educational, and funny to me.

One of the nice things about internet forums is that if the topic doesn't interest you or annoys/depresses you. You do not have to go on reading.

So cheer up Bud! Hope you have a great new Year and stick with us miserable old #%^*s

Bein' so cheerful keeps us goin!!!!

[benjamin1945 16,139]

Thanks Loppy,...........you are right,..........no wonder you do a bit of preaching,...............liked your voice by the way

[nonnaB 4,895]

Life is full of ups and downs . If it was all fun it would mean that we had no other emotions and I don't think it would prepare us for the sad things that life brings. Life is sometimes very sad, sometimes happy, sometimes downright worrying but we all have the courage to carry on, remembering the happy and sad times. I learnt when my dad died to do the things that I was uncertain of doing. The night he died he and my mum baby sat my two young children. Mum was working and I was in a rush to get into town to help my husband with the restaurant. I was afraid of not finding a parking space so I was in a hurry. My dad wanted to make a cup of tea for me but I said I hadnt got time. How many times I wanted that minute to return to say yes that would be lovely. Then I made up my mind ....if I was undecided what to do , I would go ahead and say yes I will do it. Even today after more than 35 years I still do that. I often look at dads photos and have a good cry but it also a happy cry because he was my dad.

[catfan 14,793]

Don't forget benjamin, Bestwood & Bulwell lads are made of stern stuff !

[loppylugs 8,427]

Thanks Ben.

BTW I've said it before and I'll say it again. Name is Dave and I don't mind anybody using it.

Only chose Loppylugs about 8 years ago because I'd never been on a forum like this and I wanted to be fairly anonymous. I figure most of you know me by now. The real LL is the hound in the picture. Lol

[MargieH 7,599]

Benjamin, I really am so sorry that some of these posts make you feel sad and depressed - certainly, in my case, this was certainly never the intention. I will certainly try and be more sensitive in future. Please stay part of Nottstalgia - I, and I'm sure others, would really miss you if you stopped posting. I also like things which make me laugh and appreciate your witty comments on other topics I've read. As you say, there should be room on this forum for all sorts of people with differing interests and opinions. I don't look at lots of the topics as I don't relate much to planes, trains and automobiles, I don't know where many of the often-spoken-about areas of Nottingham are and I've NEVER even been to Bulwell! (Would like to remedy that though)

I think that it's perhaps the Christmas season which brings out the memories of people we have known and loved? Sorry... I'm starting again... Soon be the new year! xx

[carni 10,094]

Hey Benjamin, Get that tie on, Silk hankie in your pocket and a twinkle in your eye. Hit the hot spots of Bulwell and live it up in style. You'll be the the Belle of the Ball. We will have to get together some Nottstalgians and have a day time meetup again. There you go benj, something to look forward to.

We can even pass your hat round for a collection. Don't Despair. The gang is here.

[Michael Booth 7,364]

Err, carni. the Belle of the Ball is female. I hope Benjamin doesn't notice or he'll get even more depressed.

[carni 10,094]

Ooh yes, Sorry benjamin. What is the male version?

[benjamin1945 16,139]

Dont worry Michael..................for carnie...........i'd be a belle................lol.