'Elf and safety

[Michael Booth 7,364]

And I'll bet you've had plenty of them, FLY2.

[OrphanAnnie 296]

I was at a railway station buffet and asked for tea with 'just a spot of milk', (I can't stand the stuff, only use it to colour my tea. Too many bad memories of school milk!) the girl then poured about half a pint of milk in my drink. I refused it, and reminded her I only wanted a 'spot' of milk. This went on four times before I suggested she gave me the milk carton and I would pour in my own. Not allowed to do that - yes, the old H&S! So I had a fruit juice instead, she couldn't understand why......

[catfan 14,793]

Me & Mrs C always put our own milk in the cup cos neither of us take much milk in ours, if any cafe refused we would go elswhere !

[philmayfield 6,115]

I think after 10 years I can treat myself to a new one! Having said that - it's identical to the old one.

[FLY2 10,108]

Just had a few days away, and was in a cafe at a National Trust property.

I had tea, and madam had a bottle of apple juice. She asked for a glass, and was told that they couldn't uses glasses as it was a H & S issue. I said "On this tray, is a hot tea pot, a jug of hot water and a glass bottle." I didn't moan, I just smiled.... The woman then gave me a little plastic tumbler. Outrageous!

[Oztalgian 3,270]

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy"

Hardy: "Aye aye sir"

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to flags. What is the meaning of this?'

Hardy: "Sorry sir!"

Nelson: (Reading aloud) " 'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation or disability.' What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunity employer now. We had the devils own job of getting 'England' past the censors lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case break out the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished , Admiral. It's part of the governments policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it .......... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there is a 4 knot limit on this stretch of water to protect the maritime environment."

Nelson: "Damn it man!. We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: " That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that the rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffold can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy building a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only got one arm and one eye and I refuse to even hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: " Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety wont let the crew up the rigging without hard hats and safety harnesses and they don't want anyone taking in too much salt, it is not good for their blood pressure."

Nelson: "I've never heard such poppycock. Break out the cannon and tell the men to prepare to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone."

Nelson. "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they are afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: " We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to Common Fisheries Policy we should not even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ships diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man your enemy, who speaks ill of your king."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Life! be damned. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash."

Hardy: "As I explained,sir, rum is off the menu and corporal punishment has been banned."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case .............................kiss me Hardy."

[FLY2 10,108]

Spot on! Fantastic!

[Guest]

Best post in yonks OZ!!

Thank you.

[Chulla 4,946]

The authorities were right to evacuate Old Trafford; The suspicious article was round in shape and black in colour with a fuse sticking out of its top. Writing on it said BOMB, 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - ZERO.

[NewBasfordlad 3,599]

^^^^^^^^^Supposed to have been left by mistake after a training exercise.............wouldn't like to be in their shoes...........

[radfordred 6,284]

Blinking hector ..... Bunting banned from Lostwithiel Carnival over health and safety fears.

http://www.itv.com/news/westcountry/2016-06-02/bunting-could-be-banned-from-lostwithiel-carnival-over-health-and-safety-fears/

[FLY2 10,108]

Unbelievable !

[DJBrenton 738]

A friend if mine is a member of Lostwithiel Rotary and also the ex mayor of the town. Last time I was there he introduced me to a fellow Rotarian who had accidentally shot himself in the head. I'm not sure I'd trust such people to put up bunting either.

Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk

[FLY2 10,108]

Mmmmmm makes you think doesn't it?

[radfordred 6,284]

Plus ..... Train conductors have got to stop clip clip clipping tickets cause there wrists hurt.

http://metro.co.uk/2016/05/26/train-conductors-are-to-stop-clipping-tickets-so-their-wrists-dont-get-sore-5905395/?ito=twitter

[FLY2 10,108]

God almighty, how on earth did we create the Industrial Revolution and win two World Wars ?

Oh, and conquer 3/5 th's of the then known world!

[DJBrenton 738]

Turns out my friend has indeed been in charge of putting the bunting up for the past 30 years and is very peed off. I guess the council do have a point. They can't give permission on behalf of all the houses it's attached to.

[radfordred 6,284]

Best be safe than sorry!

[Chulla 4,946]

I know it is an age thing, but I cannot understand why men want to walk around with a scruffy-looking unshaven face. I assume that they think it makes them more attractive to women. As someone who has shaved every morning of his life since having to, it is beyond me why such people do not feel self-conscious. I know this sounds ridiculous but when I watch a snooker player on TV and he not playing well after having his tea break, I think - if you had had a shave and freshened up you would have felt a lot better and played better. A good shave, and perhaps a dab of something, before a night out makes you feel good. Here endeth the lesson.

Edit. I am not against beards, just stubble scruffiness.

[Bubblewrap 3,815]

I've not been "clean shaven" for nearly 14 years now.

My beard hides some disfigurements I have due to a "medical" problem I have.

[Michael Booth 7,364]

It's called 'Designer Stubble' and it's in fashion at the moment. I don't mind how anyone looks or dresses because they are being themselves.

Throughout my life I've gone through lots of changes, from being a Teddy Boy to a dinner suit and bow tie with lots of other things in-between.

I tend to think that Designer Stubble looks better on dark haired men.

[radfordred 6,284]

I have to have a shave every time I visit me Mam or she tells me off!

Crikey .... #36 "A dab of something before a night out makes you feel good" Interesting!

[Bubblewrap 3,815]

I had a sparrow try & build a nest in my beard.

[radfordred 6,284]

Me Uncle Tom ....... he was a card always mucking about!

 

[Guest]

When I was in the pylon game, H&S even for those days was so strict!!

An electric watchman/ground techs/controller and my boss with field glasses- everything on lanyards..a real pain..money was silly..bought me Alpha Sud..cash!