Struggling with grief


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Your husband will always be with you in your heart, dat47. What were your favourite things that you did together, was he much of a dancer or was his time taken up with a hobby?. It'd be lovely if you told us about your husband, that's if you want to share your memories with us. Sometimes it's good to talk but only if you're happy doing so. Thanks for your post and I look forward to your next one. :)

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Very touching post dat47,I believe in feathers too!

I hope that talking on here helps,Michaels idea is brilliant- 49 years is certainly a long time.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us,Ian.

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First of all I am cross with myself for breaking my duck and using the F word on Nottstalgia... for that I apologise, especially to Letsavagoo.

I have to be honest,and the core members on here who know me;will appreciate me opening up to the 'gang'.

Late the other night a lady (fownsie) logged on- who was present in some of my Childhood in the centre of Nottm..circa 1970-1972.

Pleasant conversation was had..and all was good natured.

Diane described my middle Brother in a sweetheart reminiscent capacity and me as a "ragamuffin".( in fun)

Here's the rub,my 3 other Brothers basically ducked out of my Fathers death and funeral..two never even went!!

My dear Mother passed away in 2014 and i was appalled at a similar repeat of disgraceful behaviour towards my dear Mum.

She endured an unfaithful Husband who also kept money back throughout her 36 year marriage.

Finances and costs were not shared,I met a lot of incurred expense, I didn't mind I wanted to do right by my Mum- the constant perceivance by others and this "sweetness and light" persona even stretched back to kiddie observations by a newbie on here.

So a death grant could be obtained by the other two shiesters- the 'Sweet one' with pots of money became "estranged son" for the paperwork and claim forms.

Well this Ragamuffin stood by both Parents until the end..and beyond,and I wasn't viewed in the Family dynamic as favourably as the other 3,but I came through and did not allow my experiences with my Mother and Father to impinge on my duties to them..in death.

To quote Benjamin: " funny how things turn out int it?"

Long have I realised that Geoff and Josie were my parents...if I wanted something outta life as an adult....I had to get off my Arse and earn it!!

Sorry it has been drawn out,but after so many painful years- I had to tell someone..,and you on here I class as my FRIENDS.. Ianxx

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Ian, it's good you feel you can share the experiences you've had within your family. Times must have been very hard for you sometimes, but it's good you were willing and able to support your mum financially when necessary. I don't know your brothers so can't really comment on their behaviour but it does seem that there was a side to at least one of them which wasn't all 'sweetness and light'. I like your attitude about taking responsibility for your own future, whatever may have happened in your youth. We all carry our early experiences within us and these are bound to shape our characters in some way, but you seem to have overcome the tendency to blame these early situations for stopping you making something of your life. You seem to have a good family of your own now and you're certainly not a ragamuffin - bit of a 'snappy dresser' as my mum would have said. Your heart is in the right place, Ian, and in the end that's what matters xx

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Thanks Margie,I know as a parent I am certainly not perfect... Constant learning curve.

I know Fownsie was not being malicious...but her popping up out of the blue and the plastic facade of my Brothers had to stop.

You are right Margie it shaped me to love and listen to my Wife and children.

I suppose I am still missing my Mum terribly,ianxx

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You did your best Ian, you could do no more. For that you should be proud. Try not to let the behavior of the others spoil your life. You are the one who will have piece of mind, and in your dark times, that will see you through. Having met you, it is obvious that you are a thoughtful person and your kindness shines out. It's a pleasure to be part of your gang Ian, and an honour that you feel you can talk to us.

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In an ideal world we wouldn't let events in our life dictate our thoughts and emotions, but they do. We just have to live our lives as best we can and if that means supporting our families when other family members don't then so be it. Our reward is the good feeling in our heart that we did the right thing. I've never experienced anything like Ian has but it makes me realise how lucky I am to have a warm, loving and close family. It must have been difficult for Ian to have shared his thoughts with us but I think it says something about Nottstalgia that members feel they can do this.

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Ian I am sure most of us can relate to your experience with your brothers - family dynamics usually split the 'carers' and 'non carers' - and can empathise with you. We grit our teeth and do the best we can, but the knowledge we have done that is its own reward as Michael says. When my mother died one of my brothers who had never bothered with her during her long illness popped up to stake his claim on the Co-op insurance...

I've not met you yet but I see you are a warm and caring person and no-one can take that away from you, and enjoy the family you have around you. As they say 'you can choose your friends but not your relations' x

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How true your words are orphan annie, it happens all the time. I will now try to tell you all about my lovely caring husband who died 6 months ago. We were married for 48 years but "dated" him for 2 years previous. He went to work at 14 to Pompadour Labs where he started as "dogs body" & worked his way up to company sales rep He never left & when he retired he had done 55 years service.(& that was how we met!) He was a true notts county supporter, his dad took him to his first match when h was 7. we both had season tickets & went to most away matches. His true hobby was Steam Trains & yet again went allover the country to see them. He built a massive lay out at home, which none of my family (or me) can look at it yet. So although I have a wonderful son & daughter in law 3 wonderful grandchildren who my husband adored, I am now so lonely. Love to all of you who are so kind to liste to me.xx

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It sounds as though you had a very happy marriage dat47, and I don't think I can imagine how heartbroken you and your family are. I hope one day you will all be able to look at your husbands lay out, his pride and joy with love and affection and perhaps one day some enthusiast in your family will get the trains in motion again. I hope so and send you all my best wishes for the future.

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Cheers Chris..Yums a gud un..is that right??

NO NO Ian,........its yomes a gud en,......that's roight init Carnie....?........lol.

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Reading through the comments from members of our "gang" it comes through how much you all care and are so willing to help it makes me realise that the good in our world shows well on here. Not a Nottingham native married a Basford lad we now live "up north" maybe one day we get to a meet up.

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  • 1 month later...

I just wanted to put an update on here to say I am feeling much better now. Although it's not been that long I am avoiding any contact with my brother in law who isn't worth a bo@@ock so calm is resuming.

I have a large pile of letters that my Grandfather wrote home in ww1 and I am typing them out as they are getting pretty tatty so being busy helps. I am going to publish them via a Wordpress page soon and there is another project in relation to them being planned which I will mention on here when it's properly sorted.

But a big thank you to all that took the time to reply. It did help a lot and to those who may be in a similar situation take heart that it gets better with time and try and do something worthwhile to occupy your mind.

Thank you all.

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