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As Minister for Ag and fisheries I will need to make some urgent decisions. First - place an order for gun boats to patrol the Channel. Can't stand poachers. My mate in the Chinese ship yards will do ME a good deal.

Second - with the decline in catches of Atlantic Salmon I really do need hands on info and have contrived to get the best beat on the Spey for a fortnights trial. My phone will be switched off during this urgent and essential research. As for agriculture; I will appoint one of my aids to look after my garden while away doing research and while having meetings at my club with my good friend who is overseeing the gunboat project.

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Protocol demands you seek permission from the minster for International Trade before you can enter into negotiations with a foreign power for a gunboat. Your friend Will Dome is not a name known to us and does not appear to be on the list of preferred suppliers. You should note we are, post Brexit, entering into a trade deal with North Korea and our contact there is Sum Ting Wong

 

The minister for International Trade should not be approached before 10am as she will be in bed recovering from last nights negotiations with the Château Pichon Longueville Comtesse de Lalande. She will no doubt be in further negoatiations again later in the day so an appointment is neccessary

 

We commend your dedication and wish you success with the research.

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The Minister of Art does indeed offer his sincere apologies to the Speaker. However, the stool is as stated, his personal possesion but can assure the house that he has, without any grace or favour, approached the IKEA manufacturers to obtain a further supply of reliable stools, assuming that this would be in agreement with the house. No purchase will be made without a full comprehensive examination of said stools.

Your servant sir.

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A sobering thought after this frivolity ( which I enjoyed). I've just watched an afternoon mainly news programme and it was about concern for U.K. and France. The giornalist in UK was saying that it was useless having public places close at ten as when everyone had to go home they were all leaving at the same time and catching public transport to get home. This was in London. Very few people with masks, in France everyone who passed had a mask on. 

What are Brits playing at.?

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I've been bangng on about it for awhile now nonna, opening pubs was a mistake. Drinkers of ALL ages make more mistakes after alcohol consumption, even those who 'know my limit don I'.

The younger element are prone to mass stupidity, adding alcohol to the mix is not the brightest idea I've heard latley.

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PP Gun boats!  Gun boats?  I don’t like the sound of that!   I think the Minister for Defence needs to be consulted on this matter- I don’t think the Tesco vouchers are going to cover that.  It’ll mean higher taxes (or we could just hire taxis?... sorry, don’t know where I’m going with this.  Think I’ll go for a lie down.... no no, I don’t mean  a lie down - we ministers NEVER lie!

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3 hours ago, Brew said:

After some considerable and entirely imaginary consultation with the Home Secretary it is my great pleasure to announce The Pianoman is to be exalted to Master of the (Pianola) Rolls.

Sadly an uncomfortable position as the minster for art has taken the  stool home, says it's his, and won't bring it back.

 

I refer my right orrible friend the speaker to the recent appointment as above...

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24 minutes ago, MargieH said:

PP Gun boats!  Gun boats?  I don’t like the sound of that!   I think the Minister for Defence needs to be consulted on this matter- I don’t think the Tesco vouchers are going to cover that.  It’ll mean higher taxes (or we could just hire taxis?... sorry, don’t know where I’m going with this.  Think I’ll go for a lie down.... no no, I don’t mean  a lie down - we ministers NEVER lie!

 

It would remiss of me not to point out to the Home Secretary that hiring taxis is of little use if she doesn't know where she is going. I would further point out that hearing 'gun boats gun boats' is the worst case of tinnitus ever, no wonder the honourable lady doesn’t like it.

 

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Mr Bag Carrier (or do I mean carrier bag?).  I know exactly where I’m going, thank you.  It’s everyone else who has no idea!  (Present government excepted - ooh sorry, I forgot I never lie)

Minister for Art, your stools are your business... 

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We have studiously ignored ownership claims of the stool. Unless the orrible memnber wites his name on his stool ownership is denied.

 

May we now Mr Speaker turn to more serious matters. The Home Secratarty is showing a disconcerting degree of lack of lucidity. She is no longer sure of what she means and is offering thanks without stating what she thanking the chamber for, there is also the matter of a queue of Uber drivers asking her whereabouts. When asked she relied on the old political saw of 'it weren't me it's them others'.

We must also consider the Minister for Art and his alledged actions whom the Home Secretary has reported for running a business creating stools all over the house...

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The Minister of Art has decided that, after the House has showed a remarkable lack of interest, he decided to remove the said stools from his chamber and offer them to IKEA, for use in their dining area accompanied with their meatballs and spaghetti. Your servant, Mr Speaker sir.

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I feel that we need to go Into recess now or there’ll be trouble from the powers that be for hi jacking this thread.  
imsorry  

The Home Secretary is now resigning her post (mainly because she can’t stop laughing ) and is moving to a quiet place in the country where her tinnitus can have  full reign.

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It's not so much what he has to do, so much as who he did it to  -  but we don't mention that in polite company. It's mainly a ceremonial role that entails paying subscriptions to my paypal account ... driving the dignitaries on official business or when they get tired n emotional from all the negotiating. The Rover  (poor mans Rolls they used to be called), will of course have to be commandeered for this purpose... oh, and a bit of busking on the side to cheer us up if it's raining (bring your own piano).

 

The right 'orrible member for Lewes is the present incumbent in the arts n crafts dept: though that may depend on who's looking and how fast they can run. His behaviour has been called into question of late...

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1 hour ago, MargieH said:

where her highness can have  full reign.

 

The resignation of the Home Secretary is accepted on the grounds of delusions of grandeur..

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Will Mr Bag Carrier please stop misquoting me (or perhaps make a masked trip to Specsavers).  I do not   have delusions of grandeur and if you continue in this fashion I’ll set the corgis on you!

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An' another thing . I'll  'Ave you know there's nowt wrong with my behaviour! It's allus bin questionable an' I've served the 'ouse faithfully. Your servant sir.

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18 hours ago, Brew said:

Protocol demands you seek permission from the minster for International Trade before you can enter into negotiations with a foreign power for a gunboat.

As you well know, the Minister for International Trade and other procurement officials have been in our pocket for decades. It all started when we were at school together. Us ex Berridge graduates are untouchable.

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5 hours ago, Beekay said:

I've served the ouse faithfully. Your servant

 

Now I know why the water tastes funny..

 

5 hours ago, MargieH said:

Mr Bag Carrier

 

I, madam, am a pursuivant of arms! Chief Toter and Bearer of Impedimenta, Paraphernalia and Accoutrements, although I may have, on occasion, assisted members with baggages.

 

I and my fellow toters have undergone many minutes of training in the art of 'umping, toting, bowing and scraping in order to graduate and become full memebers of our college.

We proudly wear our coats with arms, sleeves n pockets - everything really.

- Gules, issuant from the base crossed bedposts vert beteween two ducal pillows. Our motto - Semper Stutlus is one we carry with pride.

A mere bag carrier madam,  I am not!  :angry2:

 

 

3 hours ago, PeverilPeril said:

As you well know, the Minister for International Trade and other procurement officials have been in our pocket for decades. It all started when we were at school together. Us ex Berridge graduates are untouchable.

 

The Hyson Green Illuminati  are well known to the house, however we are reliably informed the Radford branch of the geriatricmafioso and the Clifton branch of the inarticulato and dyslexic Heel Angles claimed dibs on new scooters before you... We do however seem to have a surplus of high speed stools if you can make anything from them

 

 

 

 

 

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Mr carry a bag, the  Great Ouse flows sluggishly through my constituency, so I do not appreciate your comments on its questionable purity.

 

Semper stultus ..... if I may say so, this is a very appropriate motto for your position!

 

Not suffering from dyslexia myself, I had  a little difficulty at first in understanding your reference to Heel Angles but the penny has now dropped!  Must pick it up quickly before some undeserving oik finds it.

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I never did mention the Great Ouse, or the little un come to that. I was in fact referring to the 'ouse with an Aitch, which I serve in my capacity of stool maker, either as bar or milking, (3 leg or pedestal). I am renowned throughout the county for my stools. I even colour them. Your servant sir.

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