How to deal with your bank...

[rob237 89]

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it

amusing enough to have it published in The Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I

endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his

presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed

to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my

Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight

years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of

opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for

the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has

caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and

letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,

overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood

person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no

longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed

personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must

nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person

to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact

Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much

about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be

countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her

financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be

accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she

must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have

modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my

account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is

the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press

buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer

is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the

Authorized Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put

on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While

this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play

for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an

establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU

PROUD!!?)

[Frank 13]

On a similar vein........

Apparently this is an actual letter written to Proctor & Gamble in the US .

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core (tm ) or Dri-Weave ™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure,and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep... Always.

Best, Wendi Aarons

Austin, TX

[radfordred 6,284]

Any been following the case of Nottingham's Tom Crawford ?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3065340/Judge-forced-delay-ruling-eviction-cancer-sufferer-court-mobbed-hundreds-protesters.html

[DJBrenton 738]

Yes. Unfortunately it seems that he either cancelled or never had an endowment policy. His cancer was nothing to do with it. It's tragic when someone loses their home but he has been told for years that he had no case and even refused offers to try and sort it out. He's been a victim of this 'Freeman' nonsense that makes people ignore the courts thinking they can somehow win. Why his wife thinks they 'won' in court is really baffling. It was as clear a loss as us possible. Their no sense about common law oaths is pathetic too. I'm afraid they brought it all on themselves and gathering a mob doesn't make them right.

[radfordred 6,284]

[catfan 14,793]

#4.

I have to agree with DJB on this.

Tom Crawford must have known his mortgage wouldn't cover the debt.

Sad as it is.

[FLY2 10,108]

My Views are exactly the same as yours DJB and Catfan. Self inflicted stress and misery.

[DavidA 153]

Who'd be a policerman.

[radfordred 6,284]

Don't push me!