Computer help.

[Stan 386]

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My thanks to all those who have sent me e-mails this past year.

I especially send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about cockroach

eggs in the glue on envelopes because I now use a wet towel with every

envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same

reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave them to a sick girl

(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th

time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will soon change once I

receive the $25,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for

participating in their special e-mail program. Or from the senior bank

clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7M with me for pretending to be

a long lost relative of a customer who died interstate once he gets out

of the country.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking

out for me including the famous money angel (who seems to be running

very late delivering my surprise) and St. Theresa's novena has granted

my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a

water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learnt that my prayers only get answered if I

forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five

minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can

remove toilet stains, puncture holes through steel and dissolve motor

engines overnight. I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along

to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm

filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a

perfume sample and rob me. I no longer answer the phone because someone

will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with

calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Sierra Leone and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown

African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when

it bites me in the arse. And, thanks to your great advice, I can't even

pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably

was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my

leg.

Now, If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the

next 7 minutes, a large bird with diarrhoea will land on your head at

5.16pm tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your

back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my

next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's

beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has

discovered that people with a low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity

always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

No, don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[Beefsteak 305]

You didn'y catch me out Stan , I was controlling my mouse with my teeth ........... !bravo!