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Is This The Houseboat That Mungo Jerry Built?

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This page text originates from the now defunct www.sawleyparishcitizen.co.uk

Its too good to lose and was rescued from Archive.org. (Sorry about missing pics)

If the site reinstates these gems, we will drop them from here,

All copyrights are owned by the owners/ Any likenes to any person alive dead or otherwise is an absolute coincidence, Honest Guv.

We would very much like to hear from the late Rev Sadglam B’stard.

Dear Sawley Citizens

Welcome to our friendly local parish newsletter. Made in lovely downstream Sawley. We hope you'll enjoy reading about the goings on in our cosy little community.

Anyone who's told you that Sawley is a waste of time blip, which slows traffic down trying to escape to J24 of the M1...and that you should hold your breath untill free of the the smog from Radcliffe Powerstation. Is clearly a liar, and probably from our neigbouring town Long Eaton. Being a town it'self which has fallen on hard times, and now the domain of Hobbits, Goblins and Trolls.

No dear reader like me you must believe! So put on your rose tinted glasses and enjoy our news of near by beautiful rivers and canals, full of jolly anglers, longboatmen, village halls and foaming pints of ale. I am your editor, the irreverent Reverend Sadglam B'stard, and I wish you good day

Is This The Houseboat That Mungo Jerry Built?

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70’s ‘sideburn totin’ pop icons Mungo Jerry, led by hairy rocker Mr Ray Dorset. Were today reported alive and well and residing in a secret location somewhere along the waterways of downstream Sawley. The SPC reports on all the top pop action… see exclusive pics

Sawley has been speculating for weeks whether unconfirmed sightings around the Parish, of men with unfeasibly large sideburns and/or facial hair are connected to the 70’s top pop hit makers. Who’s hit ‘In the Summertime’ is a karaoke classic for residents in the boozers up and down the Tamworth Road.

Other say it’s a tune that plays with their mind, ‘Shouting get out you devil, GET OUT!..and take that image of Christ with sideburns with you!’.

In 1970 ‘In the Summertime’ was a NO 1 smash all around the globe. Recently the song became the worlds most played radio track. However god only knows the sense of this, and why Mungo Jerry should still be massive in Germany; the ancestral home of rock stars with bad facial hair, and sideburn experimentation. The Lord works in mysterious ways dear readers!

However, things hotted up in Sawley when local barber Mr Brian Bleachedbarnet reported an ‘un-natural rise’ in sideburn usage, and a consequential loss of earnings.

The next day drinkers in the ‘Bell End Inn’ overheard a stout ‘many whiskered person’ bragging about his ‘global pop success’. They also heard words like ‘yeah man, the krauts love it’, ‘don’t understand the reasons myself’ and ‘gonna buy a houseboat in Sawley Marina’.

The same or similar be-whiskered chaps have been seen ordering ‘large quantities of cider and tenants extra’ from the Marina Chandlery Store, and ‘loadsa munchies’ from the newsagents.

This has lead to a surveillance of the local waterways for the aforementioned houseboat (see pic). As you’ll see it is obviously owned by a person of questionable taste..and the wood finish is very dolls housey…very Germanic! Hmmm!

Could this be Mungo’s dream home, his bolthole from the crazy world of international pop stardom? Why should Sawley care? We’ll I’ll tell you dear citizens. The Sawley Citizens Parish Church Choir has just released its annual charity fundraiser CD, of ‘In the Summertime’ backed by The Rev Sadglam B’stard Experience.

We think old Mungo is after some royalties. He is renowned for tracking down unofficial usage of his material, after all houseboats don’t come cheap. However the SPC thinks it’s an outrage..especially since were donating all proceeds to redecorating the Vicarage.

Well Mr Jerry…lets see whose houseboat still floats by next weekend!

Toodle pip Popsters!

Churlish Dimmock

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Rev. Sadglam - Abducted by aliens? The mystery continues.

It’s taken a wee while for Rev. Sadglam B’stard to recover from his ‘alleged’ kidnap ordeal. Soooooo! Shocking news has only now been revealed to me from our beloved leader, about his experiences at the hands of aliens/hobbits!

This is the first of our transcripts from his hospital bedside….

“It was 1973 when I saw The Sweet for the first time on ‘Top of the Pops, curled up on my parent’s sofa...they were like soooo space age television man! Being abducted by aliens reincarnated the same feeling's in me. Except this time it was 2002, and in the car park of Sawley Community Centre.”

Please see earlier reports for detail...

“Previous kidnapping reports had mentioned the possibility of hobbits, but to be honest to tie it just to them is only partly true. I have soooo-many enemies, it could have been one of many . However,’I hate to say I told you so’! , but I guess it was only a matter of time before 'evil' alien interests, or their representatives tacked me down?”

"You see, they know I know!", he whispered, checking right and left as he spoke.

“The aliens have taken the physical form on earth of hobbits…but I josh ye not. Those aliens are 4 real. They eat Shrews by the bucket load..it's their life blood... and are planning world domination via a chain of soon to be opened Super Sawley Shrew - Fast Food Joints. So please don’t eat then…please! They are contaminating the stuffed Shrews, with stuff that will do your head in.” mumbled the Rev.

It was then that the nurse came out and made the Rev sit back in his bath chair/rocker…and asked me to leave. More to follow dear readers, more revelations... believe, believe, believe!

Verger Vic

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Rev Sadglam B’stard Is Kidnapped Shocker!

If you have been wondering why there’s been so little news on the SPC for a few weeks. You may be shocked to hear of the truth…the feint of heart should stop now! We can only now reveal the reason. A ruthless Long Eaton Hobbit faction, aided by disenfranchised fantasy woodland creatures has, only just released the Rev. Sadglam B’stard our beloved leader, editor and founder, from kidnap.

We will soon publish the Rev’s story. However today we report the initial facts. It goes like this…

It was midnight on the 10th April, and ‘The Sawley - April Fools Holiday Fortnight’ festivities were drawing to a successful close. The Sawley Proclaimers had just completed a storming headline set at the Village Hall.

The Rev was helping tidy up after an incident caused by the local tipple Sawley Snake-bite, which had had a bad reaction with the cream teas…and led to some unpleasantness on the new carpet tiles in the kitchen.

The Rev went out to empty some of the offending mess into the brand new wheelie bins. When apparently out popped several Hobbits, the toughest of the three blind mice and a mercenary Gingerbread Man (recently escaped from a local baker’s). They bundled The Rev into a getaway flying donkey and cart…and that was the last we saw of the Rev for four weeks.

The next day a note appeared through the Vicarage door. It said ‘New Hobbit Cuisine Style Takeaway opens this Monday on Tamworth Road – Don’t Miss Special Offers Deep Fried Shew only £1.99 each.’ The week or so after, saw the arrival of a ransom note which said, ‘Stop building on the Trent Flood Plain, and the erosion of our natural habitat – or the vicar gets it.’

This note refers to the growing rift and rivalries between The Sawley Conservative ‘Capitalists’ Conservation Society (led by The Rev), and local Hobbits. Who wish to see the end of Hobbits 300 year occupation of the prime building site, now known as Churchill’s.

The local TA boys, tooled with heavy armoury ‘borrowed’ from Mad Bob’s personal collection, soon sprang the Hobbits hiding place, and The Rev’s cell. Which was a very scruffy looking houseboat on the canal side.

Coming into the daylight, The Rev waved to passing dog walkers, however the poor soul looked tad gaunt. I doubt if the Hobbits would have know his preference for Quail and Steak.

Anyway dear reader, more news to follow. As we unravel this amazing story. Needless to say the Rev is recuperating and sends his love.

The charming drawing on this page is an artists impression of the kidnap. Given to me my daughter, aged 6.

Gos Ipmonger

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The’ Ugly Duckling Says; ‘I Was Born And (Thrown) Bread In Long Eaton m’Duck!’

Weekend ornithologists were treated to an unexpected extra twitch this week, with the sighting of the legendary Black Swan. The grown up version of the ugly ducking. No your SPC reporter has not gone ‘quackers’…we investigate the claims.

It was not so long ago that singing fish and poo-ing hobbits roamed our streets. In these claims, we read about essentially fantasy creatures that even Hans Christian Anderson would have been proud of. Non the less real, and not-fictional.

However, here we have news of something that is deffo not-fiction, and traces the movements of a little ex. ugly m'duckling from Long Eaton. As if we Sawley folk needed any proof that all the ugly ducklings come from Long Eaton, anyway.

A conversation between local bird lover Mr. Blind ‘Tommy’ Liar (whom ‘sure plays a mean pin ball’) and a Black Swan was held, on the banks of the canal near Long Eaton. It is re created here by our reporter Gos Ipmomnger. It went something like this…

Tommy – ‘Mr Swan. There once was an Ugly Ducking. With feathers all stubby and brown. Was it you?’.

Black Swann – ‘Yes! The other birds in so many words said, Quack get out of town.’

Tommy – ‘Quack! Get out?’

Black Swan - 'Yes, quack, get out!'

Tommy – ‘I see! Quack, get out of town!’

Black Swan – ‘So I went with a Quack, and a waddle and a Quack!…and a flurry of eiderdown!’

Tommy – ‘So all through the wintertime, you’re in a lonely bunch of weeds...near Sawley.’

Black Swann – ‘Yes, till a group of Sawley Swan’s spied me there, and very soon agreed. I’m a very fine Swan indeed’.

Tommy – ‘So your not such an ugly ducking m’duck, after all’.

Black Swann - ‘No I'm not, m’duck!, not I’.

Mr Blind 'Tommy' Liar, is a member of the Long Eaton Bird Watching Club, set up in a little office above 'Tommy's Hardcore (and Aggregates)' (Long Eaton) Ltd.

They like looking at birds. If you want to join their club it meets every Wednesday in Attenbourough Nature Reserve Carpark (behind the bush). Membership is free with any proof of purchase from 'Tommy's Hardcore (and Aggregates)'.

The Rev Sadglam B'stard also claims that his 51% share holding in 'Tommy's Hardcore (and Aggregates)'(Long Eaton) Ltd, is principally a moral exercise in directing his flock (or little m'ducks) on the right side of the path of righteousness'. He says, 'Every path needs Hardcore for a stable footing!'.

Gos Ipmonger

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Horrid Hobbits Habits Squashed!

It’s all fine and well going to the movies, or reading a book about those cute little hobbits. In Sawley were sick of ‘em! Worse than vermin say’s I. We have evidence to prove that the humungous, mysterious, XXL piles of the previously alleged dog poo, are in fact the produce of a rouge local hobbit colony. Read more on our tail of outrage.

For weeks the good burgers of the parish have been plagued in the streets by large piles of poop. Mothers with prams and young children have had to cross the road, to avoid fresh daily lumps on the way to local schools. Motorists have been forced to drive slowly for fear of hitting a pile in the dark. Even the poor, dear unfortunate paper boy Lee Trevino had to be taken to casualty when he turned a corner on Wilmot Street, only to lunge head first on his cycle, right up to his middle in the muck.

Some months ago now, large piles of supposed doggy poo seemed to reside on every street corner. Increasing to intolerable levels over the last few months. We all knew then that no dog could manage to deliver the offending items…as cross breed could it be? An Elephant terrier?

It is no coincidence that our issue coincides with news of rouge hobbits families being re housed after bulldozers dug up their old den on the site of Churchfields. The new yuppie housing estate, owned by our beloved Rev. Sadglam B’stard’s property business; Bogoff Estates. There sales pitch is ‘praise be for quality homes with a conscience.’

Hobbits are said to be up in arms about this as Churchfields had been there breeding grounds for centuries. Some hobbits consider Sawley to be the legendary ‘middle earth’, central to the hobbits beliefs. Others argue differently including the Rev. That it is a bunch of short arsed gypsy pagans, who need some discipline in there lives and are always on the cadge.

Never the less, this magazine is looking for reporting, or photos of pooing Hobbits to be reported to the letters page. So we can collect evidence and catch the critters red handed. Let’s eliminate these super doper poopers once and for all, and rid the intolerable smell and disgusting pavements of mega poop from around our fair parish.

Bless you citizens. Forward ho!

Nos E Parker

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Way Out Is the New Way In...or is it? Hmmm!

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Sawley rail commuters were today left baffled by new signs at nearby Long Eaton Rail Station. 'All my life there's been no signage telling you which way to go, never mind an announcement or two', said local commuter Mr Albert Tatlock (96), 'Us locals are confused.' Hmmm! more strange phenomena is investigated from the parish border rail bridge 'cross point', between the rival township of Long Eaton, and quiet rural village of Sawley...

So what does the 'Way Out' sign mean? Long Eaton? Surely a mistake! The last time someone said 'Way Out' about Long Eaton was 1969, during the Summer of Love. Even then they were pushing it, and 'allegedly' high on illicit substrates.

'Maybe they mean exit' said Mr Tatlock (96), 'You know, like the signs Ive seen in a car park at the newfangled FADSA Superstore.' Another commuter Mr. Mike Hunt (45) elaborated 'I suppose were all just a bit shocked. After years of not knowing which platform to be on, how late the trains are..or if they were actually going to stop. Having a way out sign can only mean something else. 'However, no rational person, unless they were very sad, or stupid, would think Long Eaton was way out!', he added sensibly.

Maybe, this is not the work of British Rail. Maybe, this is no mistake, possibly the midnight work of local trolls or hobbits, or a mad men. All have been seen in the area lately. So where lies the answer?

'Take a look down the railtrack' sing local popsters The Sawley Proclaimers, from their tune 'Letter from Loughbrough'. Then comes the chillingly prophetic line, 'and their eyes in the darkness stare back.' Too right says the Citizen! What other mischief do hobbits plan.

The Parish Citizen advises you to not believe any signage in the area, or stand on the rail platform at midnight, or speak to strangers with cloven hoof, and always follow the Green Cross Code.

Needless to say if it is the work of hobbits and trolls, surely they were paid by the Forces of Darkness at their Long Eaton H.Q. The Rev Sadglam said he had nothing to add, when I caught up with him inspecting his local silkscreen signage factory.

Stella A Mrs (36)

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Leaves Delay Surmon

Sawley parish churchgoers were today treading carefully with news of a serious hazzard lying in wait for Sunday sermon worshipers. Large piles of decomposing leaves have been building up on the church's tree lined main entrance, causing slippage and some minor leg grazing to loyal regulars.

Ninety six year old Mrs Ethel Ump, was taken to the local community centre with some minor cuts and grazes after sliding on some particularily nasty leaf slurry. 'I blame Verger Vic', she wheezed over a nice cuppa (with two sugars). 'He should never have let the falling leaves build up. I'd have expected him to chase and catch each leaf as it fell, and disposed of it carefully. Surely thats not unreasonable! It's an all to familiar story of how standards have slipped since I was a lass.'

Cute church cat, little Tom Kitten has also been seen burying his 'duty' amogst the rotting vegitation. It is thought that this accounts for the particularily strange smell, smelt during last weeks W.I. meeting in the church hall. Mrs Pam T Hose shoe's are still in quarantine.

The puzzled parishoners now look to the Reverend Sadglam B'stard for answers, but he was unavailiable for comment to this publication. Inside sources believe him to be considering 'bagging up' the rich brown mulch, to sell to the local 'ippies...whom apparently 'smoke anything!'.

Gos Ipmonger

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Sawley in surreal skyline mystery

Puzzled residents of downstream Sawley were today left scratching their heads, after waking up to a very different sunrise behind the Powerstation cooling towers. Namely that of Shibuya downtown Tokyo.

Local angler Mr Albert Chubb was one of the first to the scene that morning, and reported the strange occurance. He was quoted saying ' I normally like to get my rod out really early, see what bites on my flies. You know the cold doesn't effect it. Anyways, I was lugging my tackle down the towpath like, to my usual fishing spot by the locks. When I looked up to where the cooling towers should have been, oh my!, I saw a series of skyscrapers, of what looked like a major international city.'

Other residents all reported the apparition as local community centre 'Weird Apparition' hotlines jammed. Janitor Cuthbert Cupboard said, 'Yeah! I had to take the phone off the hook! I thought it was all dem funny 'ippies or new age travellers or somat. Dey 'avnt 'arf lowered the tone amongst the river folks. Anyways it was nowt to do with them in the end!'

The only clue police have to follow up on is the reported sightings involving Rev. Sadglam B'stard. Whom has recently returned from a 'preaching session' of Japanese Geisha houses. Alegedly, his recent dreams have been powerful and strange...at least if his parishoners reports of recent surmons are to be belived. He denies being part of a group of suspects being questioned, after being found sitting cross legged around the Powerstation holding hands and going 'Omm!,Omm, Omm!.' Local traffic news reported major rubber necking on M1 Junction 24.

Verger Vic

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Cycle chain miss use shock

Shocked owners of local beauty spot Tea Rooms Mr and Mrs Rosy and Jim Quaint, were today left reeling by news that has split the quiet rural calm of down stream Sawley. Apparently certain 'undesirables' have been seen freely using the generously provided cycle chain for customer use only.

Mr Quaint said, 'It states quite clearly on the sign outside our Tea Rooms, you can only secure your cycle to our chain if you are a paying customer of our establishment.''What's next?'he added, 'Parking in the alloted space of another, sitting on a park bench sited at your favouite view bequeathed by your dearly departed...loving they neigbours wife!'. 'Exactly!' added Mrs Quaint.

Local police are said to be investigating reports of a middle-aged cyclist seen speeding away from the crime scene in the early hours of Thursday morning, down the Attenbrough tow-path. Mr Quait added, 'Yes, I was coming back from the annual Fly Fishing Club Dinner. I saw a man possibly wearing a dog collar, and with a hip-hop stlye cross around neck.Quite why anyone would dress as our local Reverend Sadglam B'stard is beyond me.' 'Exactly!' , said Mrs Quaint.

The free use of the cycle chain has been temoprarily suspended. Tea drinkers at the Tea Rooms will shortly be issued with special privilage cards for their cycles. Reverend B'stard was unavailiable for comment.

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Sadly we were too late to rescue...

Darius To Sing At Steamboot Public House. Inn-credible!

04/02/2002 -- Recent ‘Top Pop Idol’ reject, Mr Darius Danesh. Is to re launch his attempt at pop stardom. Sawley’s Steamboot Inn, the waterside watering hole at Tent Lock, will open it's arms and recently refitted doors (after flood damage). Yet another SPC exclusive

Jamie Oliver Has Accident With Virgin

23/01/2002 -- Lucky Sawley locals were today left all in a pickle with celebrity chef Jamie Oliver. The poor unfortunate sole, had the misfortune to slip and career out of control, on his ‘shiny new’ moped. Caused by the leaves still un-swept on road adjacent to All Saints Church, and a mysterious spillage of extra virgin olive oil.

Singing Fish Found In Sawley Ponds !

17/01/2002 -- Sawley today was reeling in the shock news coming downstream from the course angling ponds near Sawley Marina. Anglers have reported several instances of ‘singing’ fish, seen coming to the surface ‘doing a turn’ then disappearing.

Chirpy Nick To Star In Sawley Soap

Hobbits Blamed For Silly Lights At Christmas

Twit Too-woo! Sawley Doves Neighbourhood Coo

Landlord Locked In Tower By Locals

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This has been bumped for one of our latest approved members.

There may be a glimmer of hope on the horizon...

Gives a forum a boost to have a man of the cloth on board.

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As you can see, from The Reverend's report, its a pretty exciting place.

Bless you my son.

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What's Les Battersby doing in the middle of that photo??

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BUMP

and Per Luigi Collina (The Italian football ref) is on the right as well

;)

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blues3.jpg

Looks like a young Beefsteak on the left, to me?

And what ever happened to the author The Rev Sadglam B'stard, who is a member here?

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Nah e's got no freckles

;)

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:blink: Bloody well would have too

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What song could he sing?

Under the floorboards ..(Boardwalk)

!rotfl!

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Oh don't....

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Still not a peep from the member Rev Sadglam B’stard

What a shame!

What pearls of wisdom have we missed out on since 2002?

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Sadly we were too late to rescue...

Darius To Sing At Steamboot Public House. Inn-credible!

Jamie Oliver Has Accident With Virgin

Singing Fish Found In Sawley Ponds !

Chirpy Nick To Star In Sawley Soap

Now I do know that the Reverend is a member here, and wonder if he would still have details of these missing articles, and would grace us by adding them for the enlitenment of our members and visitors.

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I wonder whatever happened to the Rev Sadglam B’stard and Churlish Dimmock?

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The Citizen had many famous fans, To Whit...

Dear Editor,

I wrote a letter earlier which you have removed I can only assume due to reasons of taste. You sir, are a cad.

From Dr. Shipman (Durham) - Letter received on Friday, 5th July 2002, 13:24

And I have discovered all is not lost... The citizen is still online, if archived.

(Even Mr.G.Oogle does not have it)

See it in all its glory at:http://web.archive.o...ers/letters.php

Praise the Lord.

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