Ayupmeducks 1,730 Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 This had me in stitches! ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest... The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip####,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.S.. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
katyjay 5,091 Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 I posted this a year ago, 12.26.08. Everyone jumps on my case when I repeat a joke, sorry John but it's already been done. It is funny though, leave it up here for those who haven't seen it before. My last repeat got more hits than the original! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ayupmeducks 1,730 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 First time I'd seen it Katy, was on QRZ this morning. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
loppylugs 8,429 Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 Among you electricians out there. Anybody remember the megger? During my apprenticeship in the dark ages the outfit I worked for had one. A big instrument with a handle to wind to generate the 500 volts. Every one knew it could give you a pretty hefty jolt if you turned the handle fast enough. About the mid 60s we were issued with device which now contained transistors and ran on a 9volt battery. Looking at that battery I didn't see how it could ever produce 500 or more volts. Had a young apprentice with me who was asking questions about it. I told him it could measure his resistance. He said "Yeaaaah right, you are just trying to shock me." I told him I wasn't, how could a nine volt battery hurt anybody? I guess I was pretty convincing because I truly believed it myself. Anyway he grabbed hold of the probes and I pushed the button. The results were pretty spectacular. Never did get a resistance reading but he sure went straight up. Of course he wanted to kill me believing I had done it on purpose. I was truly sorry. If he is reading this. I really was sorry! I learned a valuable lesson about the voltage amplifying power of transistors. I suppose he did too. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ayupmeducks 1,730 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 They have inverters in them, we used the 1000volt megger and 10,000 volt meggers for high voltage circuits. The high voltage one we didn't mess around with, on it's own it would fair make you jump, but testing long cable runs, the energy stored within the cable was enough to kill. I caught a mouse one day in the crib room underground. We had metal topped tables, I put the earthy lead on it, clipped the "driven" lead on its tail, switched to 1000 volt setting lowered the mouse on the table top and pressed the button. Gee! all four legs shot out, mouse crapped itself and squealed! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Limey 242 Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 ...about an unsung hero, who clears away your dust... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
littlebro 234 Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 The Champion spark plug tester could pack a punch, up to 50,000 volts. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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