colly0410 1,181 Posted October 2, 2014 Report Share Posted October 2, 2014 I asked a girl at work when her baby was due? Turns out she wasn't pregnant! Why oh why don't I keep my big fat gob shut?? 6 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mary1947 2,089 Posted October 2, 2014 Report Share Posted October 2, 2014 It's amazing how we manage to put our foot in things. While at work I was getting some papers from the bottom shelf of the cabinet and my boss was standing over me I just happened to say "I don't get down on my knees for every fellow I met you no" I thought it was funny but my boss walked away in disgust. 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
benjamin1945 16,189 Posted October 2, 2014 Report Share Posted October 2, 2014 I found it funny Mary,its little moments like that that make ordinary days into nice ones,...................if you had said that to me my response would also have been funny....................but i dare'nt quote it on here,i'm too much of a gent.....but i'm sure you can guess it........ 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
benjamin1945 16,189 Posted October 2, 2014 Report Share Posted October 2, 2014 Carnie and Lizzie......you are both naughty 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tomlinson 879 Posted October 2, 2014 Report Share Posted October 2, 2014 Standing outside a club of which I used to be a member, I was greeted by a lady friend on her way out. "Hi", ! said. "Are you off"? "No", she said. "I'm not coming to go". "Oh" I said. "Then you must be going to come". It wasn't until later I realised what I had said. We walk on eggshells! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Michael Booth 7,364 Posted October 2, 2014 Report Share Posted October 2, 2014 On Wednesday a very attractive lady drove up to my home in her car. She took out a carton, which was an architects drawing board, and came to the house. She gave me the carton and asked me to sign for it. As I was signing she said, "It's a big one, isn't it". I replied, "I bet you say that to all the boys". She gave me a cheeky look as she walked back to her car. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FLY2 10,109 Posted October 2, 2014 Report Share Posted October 2, 2014 When I was on Mr Softee ice cream vans summer 68, I was parked up outside the Deerstalker at Bestwood counting my takings, when a blousey woman came up and asked if I had a King Dick. (A Walls ice cream lolly I might add) I was just going to quote something cynically funny when this big oaf staggered out and glared. I apologised and drove off sharpish. Sometimes it pays not to be too clever. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
... 1,411 Posted October 2, 2014 Report Share Posted October 2, 2014 Reminds me of the line in carry on film,big breaths yes and I'm only sixthteen. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
... 1,411 Posted October 2, 2014 Report Share Posted October 2, 2014 Basfordred ,#7 it has not paid me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FLY2 10,109 Posted October 2, 2014 Report Share Posted October 2, 2014 Me neither Andy, I've had a few wallops for opening my mouth especially after the odd beer or seven. One night in the Bodega, I was in the loo and I mentioned something to my mate about faggots. WHACK, it amazing how quickly the pavement comes up to meet you when you're flying head first down the stairs ! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Merthyr Imp 729 Posted October 2, 2014 Report Share Posted October 2, 2014 Reminds me of the line in carry on film,big breaths yes and I'm only sixthteen. I think that was from Doctor at Large (the film, not the TV series). 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
benjamin1945 16,189 Posted October 2, 2014 Report Share Posted October 2, 2014 we are on to 'double entendre's' again now,............i love em, only this afternoon the wife said to me 'do you want a Crem Brulee'...i replied 'no its just the way i'm standing'............ 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
... 1,411 Posted October 2, 2014 Report Share Posted October 2, 2014 That's a crem cracker benjamin 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FLY2 10,109 Posted October 2, 2014 Report Share Posted October 2, 2014 I had a lucky escape at the Dog & Bear about 1964 . My mates and I had been in all dinner on the way to a Forest match. At 2,28 I went to the bar for four more pints. The barman walked over and served the old gent who was sitting at the bar. I didn't mind, so when he'd finished, I said 4 pints please. He said it was 2,30 and put the towels on. I said that I was at the bar before he served the old man, and I still wanted serving. He said were shut and walked off. I was furious and yelled 4 pints c**tstruck. The whole pub went silent, but quick as a flash, 4 pints were on the bar. Phew, I was most relieved. No bust up. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
colly0410 1,181 Posted October 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 When I was a squadie in Munster-lager, West Germany, I was out on the p**s & saw some blokes from the nearby Scottish regt in kilts, as I'd had a few I stood there laughing at them & called them a 'bunch of fairies in skirts' I felt brave as all my mates were with me. Of course they all ran off & left me on my own & I got a bit of a pasting that night. I still haven't learnt to keep my gob shut.. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MELTONSTILTON 452 Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 Unbeknown to me and my wife, a couple we knew were going through a rough patch with their marriage, but they decided to have a 50th birthday party for her birthday, and invited us. We brought her a romantic weekend in a hotel, for 2 nights for 2, as a birthday gift, well, when the party was in full swing they opened the gifts, and after they opened ours, I shouted as a joke to her "You don't have to take Marc (her husband) you can take your lover". The next thing we saw was the couple rushing out of the door and we did not see them for a while, they came back with red eyes but said nothing It was about a month later, we learnt the truth, when Marc visited us to tell us that him and his wife had split up, because she was having an affair with a man almost 20 years younger than her, for over 6 months. When he said that, and I remembered what I shouted, I wished the ground would open and swallow me 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LizzieM 9,514 Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 Foot and Mouth Disease! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Karlton 582 Posted October 4, 2014 Report Share Posted October 4, 2014 I walked into a posh cake shop a few years ago and said 'excuse me how muhch are your rock cakes?' she replied 'Excuse me they're scones.' oops. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FLY2 10,109 Posted October 9, 2014 Report Share Posted October 9, 2014 This is an extension to the alcohol fuelled fiasco at a party in Ruddington in the early 60's when my mates and I were evicted from a party. One woman was most vociferous in instigating our exit.. She resembled Sybil from Faulty Towers. We ignored her pleas to go , but a friendly chap came over and asked us nicely to go. On departure, I turned and asked him who the feisty curly haired woman in the blue dress. He turned coyly and said that it s his fiancé . He gave me a knowing look as if to say. I know mate. This was the party that on departure I scooped the cream of the giant trifle and filled the hole with beet root in vinegar and two of us peed in the tank of a Jag outside. Sorry folks ! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
... 1,411 Posted October 9, 2014 Report Share Posted October 9, 2014 Tut tut ,sure that was the 60s and not yesterday basfordred. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FLY2 10,109 Posted October 9, 2014 Report Share Posted October 9, 2014 Oh, I can't remember. I can't find my way to Ruddington nowadays ! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
colly0410 1,181 Posted September 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2015 I was at work (QMC) the other day when I saw my friend Vicky through the window of the ward door: I stood there pulling grotesque faces & going "na narna na na!" It wasn't Vicky but an agency nurse I'd never seen before, she looked at me as though I was totally mad & walked away very quickly. I wanted the floor to open up & swallow me.. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blondie 1,392 Posted September 3, 2015 Report Share Posted September 3, 2015 I said to my hubby, shall I put the kettle on dear - No, he replied, it won't suit you 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blondie 1,392 Posted September 4, 2015 Report Share Posted September 4, 2015 I asked a girl at work when her baby was due? Turns out she wasn't pregnant! Why oh why don't I keep my big fat gob shut?? That happened to me once.....Oh the embarrassment....... 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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