Jill Sparrow 10,321 Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 Mercury dancer I am so very sorry to hear of your mother's passing. Although very sad for the family she has left behind, I cannot with honesty say that I am surprised because I saw exactly the same thing happen to my own mother soon after my father's passing. People like your parents and my parents who have been together for so many decades and who are so close simply cannot bear to be parted. It is almost as though when one of them leaves, an essential part of the remaining partner's body has been cut off and they just cannot survive without it. Although my mother had been quite healthy before my father's passing, I watched in amazement and great sadness as she began a very rapid decline in her health, in her mental awareness and basically in her will to live because he was no longer here. It was a terrible thing to watch and made me feel so helpless because I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do to halt it. All she wanted was to be with him and so it was. Personally, I believe that they are once again together and the same will be true of your own mother and father. I also believe that in situations like this, although very difficult, it is selfish of us to wish to keep the person here against their will and we have to think of what is best for them and not for ourselves. We have to let go and allow the person to be where they want to be and if their choice is not to stay with us then we have to respect that as we would expect other people to respect our own wishes when the time comes. It is a hard pill to swallow but accept it we must because we cannot change it. What we can do is to continue to think of those who have gone ahead with all the love and affection that we have always held for them and I believe that they still hold towards us. You cannot lose your parents. They will be with you always, even if not in physical form, they are with you from the day you were born until the day you go to join them. Not everyone is as lucky as you and I have been because their relationship with their parents is not what you and I have had with ours and that alone is something to be eternally grateful for. No amount of money can buy that special love and no one can ever take it from you. You are in my thoughts and so are your mother and father. Take care. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mercurydancer 1,104 Posted August 29, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2016 I am so sorry it has taken me a long time to reply, but with the funeral last week and getting my mrs back to Russia I have been busy.  Again thank you for all your kind words. It has been an immense comfort to me.  I also thank God for his mercy. In time of need my prayers were answered.  Now it is all over, I can get back to normality, or as close as I can get to being normal. Not easy for me.  I will be spending some time in Nottingham over the next few weeks, and I hope to get to meet some of you. I am a very reserved man so it is not easy for me to meet people I dont know personally but I will deal with that when the time comes. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jill Sparrow 10,321 Posted August 29, 2016 Report Share Posted August 29, 2016 Mercury dancer, nice to hear that you're well and have come through an adverse few weeks. I wish you all the best for the future. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
catfan 14,793 Posted August 29, 2016 Report Share Posted August 29, 2016 Lovely to hear you again mercurydancer & very glad you can now get back to your life again. Â Welcome back . All the best . 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
carni 10,094 Posted August 29, 2016 Report Share Posted August 29, 2016 Welcome back to posting again mercurydancer. I hope your wife had a safe journey back to Russia. Take care and I send you and your family our best wishes for the future. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LizzieM 9,514 Posted August 29, 2016 Report Share Posted August 29, 2016 Yes, glad to see you back on here MD, you've had a difficult time for sure.  I do hope you get to meet up with fellow Nottstalgians on your trips to Nottingham, although we're a strange bunch you'll be made most welcome. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Chulla 4,946 Posted August 30, 2016 Report Share Posted August 30, 2016 #52. MD. If you cannot make the October 12th evening meeting, would you like us to arrange one at your convenience in Nottingham, daytime or evening? 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mercurydancer 1,104 Posted August 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2016 Chulla  Thank you for the very kind invitation. I can probably make the 12 October one. I have plenty of time and I have my parents house to stay in, so it should be possible. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
carni 10,094 Posted August 30, 2016 Report Share Posted August 30, 2016 Got my date today for my Dicky Ticker op, on Friday 21st October, so you lot have all got to make me laugh on the 12th, cos I'm feeling all scared and nervous and in desperate need of some light entertainment.  Hope to see you on the 12th mercurydancer, it's always a pleasure to meet new people, and always a pleasure to see the regulars again. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
sue B 48 1,226 Posted August 30, 2016 Report Share Posted August 30, 2016 It would be nice to see you on the 12th MD and don't worry about meeting new people, I felt just the same going to my first meet but everyone made me feel welcome. Now I can't wait for the next one. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cliff Ton 10,483 Posted August 30, 2016 Report Share Posted August 30, 2016 52 minutes ago, carni said: Got my date today for my Dicky Ticker op, on Friday 21st October, so you lot have all got to make me laugh on the 12th, cos I'm feeling all scared and nervous and in desperate need of some light entertainment.  I'm sure you'll be there - fully functioning - at the December one to tell us all about it. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
carni 10,094 Posted August 30, 2016 Report Share Posted August 30, 2016 You bet. Don't like to miss a good party Miduck. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mercurydancer 1,104 Posted August 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2016 Carni  If anyone can calm your nerves before surgery it is me. Its what I do. Professionally. If I can help in any way I will. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mercurydancer 1,104 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2016 My dad's inquest was this Friday, at the Council House.  How odd that I lived in Nottingham yet never been into the Council House. Until now.  Although Nottingham is my home town, I needed to leave and get home to my house in Durham. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Compo 10,328 Posted November 30, 2016 Report Share Posted November 30, 2016 I went in the council house just once, back in 1970 or was it '71? when I was at RAF Newton.  The station was given the freedom of Nottingham and I was one of the unfortunates that had to parade in the castle grounds and march through the streets to Slab Square.  A buffet was held in the Council house after the ceremony. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mercurydancer 1,104 Posted June 4, 2017 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2017 One year ago this all happened.  Strange how some things affect your memory. I can recall it was a warm day after my dad died. When I got into my car at Kings Mill it was hot inside. It was that hot inside the car a couple of days ago and I couldnt work out what was bothering me. Eventually it clicked. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jill Sparrow 10,321 Posted June 5, 2017 Report Share Posted June 5, 2017 #66 Â It's amazing how quickly these anniversaries come round, MD and the odd memories that stay with you. When my mother was in Kings Mill, the new hospital wasn't quite finished and, on the day she passed, I was unable to find a parking space anywhere on the site at 3pm so had to park in Morrison's next door and walk back to the hospital. It was clear that mum was rapidly slipping away and as I only had 2 hours to park in Morrison's, I remember telling her, in her comatose state, not to go anywhere until I had moved the car! Â I raced out of the hospital, jumped into the car, drove into King's Mill car park where there were now spaces as visiting time was over, and back to mum's bedside where she was still waiting. I then encouraged her to go to a better place and within 5 minutes, she was gone! Â I often shop at Morrison's there and occasionally park in the same space I used that day. It always makes me laugh when I think about it! Don't think I have ever run so fast in my life! 1 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mercurydancer 1,104 Posted June 5, 2018 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2018 It was two years ago on 3 June. I cannot say if it is easier now, certainly not at the moment. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jill Sparrow 10,321 Posted June 5, 2018 Report Share Posted June 5, 2018 Time passes so quickly. The first few birthdays, wedding anniversaries, etc are the worst. Then, suddenly, it's 12 years and you still miss them but somehow the good memories have made the loss less painful. You hear your mother's exact words coming out of your own mouth...well I do...and you realise she's not that far away and you laugh at the thought that you've become just like her because you can't help it! You are part of them and they of you. Those links are forged by chains of love and they can never be severed. But love comes at a high price. If we're paying it, it's because we've been very lucky. 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mercurydancer 1,104 Posted June 9, 2019 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2019 I had to go back to Russia quickly about three weeks ago. My wife's mother died. We could not make it back in time for her death, and my wife was hysterical in a hotel in Moscow when we found out that she had passed away. The deterioration was so sudden.  I did like her, and recall with great fondness my dad talking with her, although my dad understood no Russian and she did not understand any English, but they would still  talk and laugh.  We did get to the funeral which was seriously odd. Open coffin and the funeral was actually outside under a gazebo in 30+ degrees of heat. Some of the customs I found were really strange, often, as with the Russian custom, with vodka copiously drunk. Priest was good though, very caring. No hearses though, just a minibus with the coffin put in it without much dignity.  All mirrors and glass must be covered for 9 days after death. Vodka and bread to be placed on the grave every day. At each grave plot there is a table and a bench, for relatives to eat and drink. The 9 days after the funeral we walked to be at the grave before dawn broke, and had breakfast, meaning bread cheese, rice and the inevitable vodka. The grave is in a beautiful spot. It is in the foothills of a mountain called Beshtau.  The wake (Pominki in Russian) was interesting. Apparently I am now head of the family. I am not sure why, it was something out of the Godfather, with people giving me brown envelopes full of cash! So after a bit of prodding I understood that I had to give a speech in Russian and to lead the toasts. I did what I could. I did notice that some people cried at my speech so I think I got it right, and with dignity. There is not one wake but three. one at the day of the funeral, one at 9 days later, one at 40 days. I had to return to England so cannot attend the 40 day wake. Its something to do with the 40 days of Christ's torment. The food from the wake cannot be thrown away, but massive doggy bags to everyone. After that, you have to give the food to the poor. Was in the market place handing out food. I kept the vodka for myself.  After the funeral, I found out more about my wife's father. Photos of him in a Russian tank near Stalingrad. One photo was not nice, with dead Germans, but it was a time of war, I suppose. I now have his diary and will have to study it. It was her wish that she wanted to give me his medals but we could not find them. The Russians do respect their veterans though, because the plot was provided by the state, Grigory Zinovin died in 2003, but his funeral was paid for by the state. Consequently the plot was open for his wife at no cost (apart from the funeral services)  She had a very unusual first name, probably Arabic in origin but she was Russian to her bones. She was a paediatrician. Her name was Muza Zinovina. God rest her soul. 4 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LizzieM 9,514 Posted June 9, 2019 Report Share Posted June 9, 2019 What an interesting post Mercurydancer and so sorry for your loss. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mercurydancer 1,104 Posted June 9, 2019 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2019 Thank you Lizzie Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jill Sparrow 10,321 Posted June 9, 2019 Report Share Posted June 9, 2019 Funeral customs are not dissimilar in Poland, I believe. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MargieH 7,613 Posted June 9, 2019 Report Share Posted June 9, 2019 I never realised that Russian funerals were so different to those in this country!  So sorry that your wife didn't get to see her mother before she died........Thank you for sharing on here - it was very interesting reading. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mercurydancer 1,104 Posted June 9, 2019 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2019 3 minutes ago, Jill Sparrow said: Funeral customs are not dissimilar in Poland, I believe.  Its the religion. My wife's family is very strong Russian orthodox, my wife is really quite religious so it was quite formal. I dont know much about the predominant religion in Poland but I do feel that there are many comparisons. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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